The Aspie Life

Some service dog programs make me sad

2010-07-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

There is a service dog program here in Kansas. There are actually two. I have met demo dogs from one, but not any actual service dogs. The demo dogs of said program were mannerly and well trained. I have not met demo dogs from the other organization, but this past week I did meet one of their actual trained (I use that term loosely) service dogs.

I will not reveal the name of said program, but if you would really, really want to know, email me and I'll consider it.

Anyway, a friend of mine was saying a couple weeks ago that she saw said program's dogs in a mall on their last day of team training, and they were a mess. One dog pooped in the mall, others just didn't have good manners. Many were tied to small children. She stopped and talked to someone, and was telling them about her SDiT (that she did not take to the mall...since here in Kansas non-program trainers don't have access rights). She mentioned some things her puppy is trained to do, and the other person was amazed. When she asked that person what their dog did, they answered "I don't know yet" and mentioned that they were taking their public access test and would be going home the next day.

Well, okay. Second hand account, maybe things weren't as they seem. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Then this past week, a woman comes in to the clinic with a service dog she got from said program. She got home a week and a half before, and started team training 3 weeks before. She was telling me how her dog has peed/pooped on her dining room floor every day, won't listen to her when she tells her to relieve herself outside, won't get up in the morning, and generally just doesn't listen. From my own observations, the dog was sniffing EVERYTHING and did not listen very well - and NEVER responded on the first command. Now, this dog did have a gorgeous heel, I'll give her that much. But that was about it. She had an ear infection and did NOT like any part of the exam. I understand not wanting her ears messed with, but she wasn't tolerating anything very well. At least she wasn't aggressive. This poor woman was SO frustrated. She really just wanted help, and instead she has a dog that she pretty much has top train herself. She told me the dog knows 60 commands, but they didn't tell her what all those 60 commands were. She also is not trained to perform the tasks that this woman was specifically wanting to mitigate her disability. The dog was also very thin - not just working-condition thin, but count-every-rib and back-and-hip-bones jutting-out thin. The dog is just over a year and a half old.

Now, I've heard rumors that said program is a piece of shit before. However I also had one person tell me they were awesome, and I should get a dog from them because they'd give me one and they're cheap. Apparently you get what you pay for, though. To think I actually considered a dog from this program! I'm so happy I decided to owner-train instead. Honestly Logan is already more trained than that dog that came in, from what I saw.

I really hope this woman gets the issues sorted out. I told her to contact the program first and let them know she's having problems, and then I gave her the number for a private trainer to try instead if the program ccan't/won't help. She deserves better than what she got.

Welcome Home Logan!

2010-05-28T00:13:00.000-07:00

Logan and I made it safely home this past Sunday after a wonderful weekend "back home" in Washington. I have decided that I do want to move back to Washington, hopefully within the next year.

I'm keeping a separate blog for Logan and his training so this one doesn't get clogged. It can be found at http://blog.spectrumassistancedogs.com/

Now, for the details on the flight and stuff. I have never flown before, and it actually wasn't too bad. I have to admit I had the biggest grin on my face the first time we took off ;) I flow on Frontier, and they were great. I got a gate pass for my dad when he took me to the airport, and another gate pass for the breeder when she took Logan and I to the airport to come home. They were very understanding about me needing help finding where I need to go. Security wasn't an issue. I wasn't selected for a pat down or a bag check, just the standard xray/metal detector stuff. I also requested Meet and Assist at the Denver airport to switch planes, since I have a dreadful sense of direction. Turns out I didn't end up needing it, but they were willing if I needed it. When I landed in Denver on the way to Seattle I arrive at gate A24, and needed to be at gate A26 in 2 1/2ish hours. I get out, turn around, and see that gate A26 is right next to A24. Yeah, I think it got it form here ;) So I spent the layover exploring the airport and eating lunch. Since I got such a long time to figure out how the airport is laid out, I was fine with the layover in Denver on the way back, and found the gate on my own. When I arrived in Seattle the breeder and her friend and her friend's service dog picked me up. I didn't have much trouble finding them, as it's rather difficult to miss a borzoi in baggage claim ;)

The flight itself had some sensory things, but nothing terrible. The people I sat next to were friendly or just ignored me, which was great. The flight from Denver to Seattle was a little hot, but it was all right. On all the flights soft drinks were free. The flight from Seattle to Denver was very dry, and I had a sore throat/dry eyes/dry mouth. I also slept for a short time on that plane (it was an Airbus, while the other three were Embraers, which are much smaller). There was noise, but it was humming/white noise so it wasn't a problem. The biggest problem was the air pressure. I can feel the change in pressure in elevators and highways, so it's no surprise the pressure changes were annoying in flight. Gum, ice cubes and yawning took care of that though.

The airline also took very good care of my dog. They gave me a little note each time we got on a plane assuring me he made it safely aboard. I really appreciated that, and it eased my anxiety at least a little bit. I would definitely recommend Frontier/Midwest to anyone who has to fly a pet.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #7: Acceptance

2010-04-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 7: Acceptance.

NOTE: Small FAIL here. I planned on publishing this one last Sunday, but forgot. So here is part 7, a little late :P

Acceptance is what the neurodiversity movement is all about. So, it's wonderful to find someone who's truly accepting.

My roommate, for all her flaws, is probably the one person that accepts me as I am. That doesn't me she knows 100% of the real me, but we're getting there. I have not told her about the service dog yet, but that, too, will come when it is time. (She does know I'm getting a new dog and it will be trained to the level of a service dog, she just doesn't know it will be MY service dog yet. He actually is my "homework" for Bergin U, too).

When I first told her that I was autistic, it was shortly after we became coworkers and changes our majors to psychology and started taking classes together. I told her as we passes the building that that was where I had been diagnosed. She acknowledged it, but I didn't think she'd give it a second thought. Much to my surprise, and delight, she actually took it in, ruminated, and decided that it was fine.

She sometimes asks me questions about how I think or why I do things the way I do. Then one day when we were volunteering at the zoo together, she told the keeper that I was autistic. It actually came up conversation. See, I had been wanting to tell this keeper for a while, but hadn't. My now-roommate brought it up as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It was awesome.

After a while she told her boyfriend. Apparently he, too, is accepting of it, and even said that it explains a lot. It's nice to hear others say it explains a lot.

More recently, she told our boss, who I also think is on the spectrum, that I am autistic. It, too, came up in conversation. He seemed to take it in stride. I had been wanting to tell him since before I was diagnosed, but didn't know how. Her bringing it up was great. I think it really extends understanding between all of us.

Usually, when I make a friend, I assume that there will be a day that I will lose contact with them. It may be in a couple months, it may be in a few years, but I always assume that eventually we will drift apart. I really can't see us drifting apart. She is my best friend. I have had best friends before, but never like this. It's always been so superficial. She even said recently that I am her best friend, which has never happened before.

To top it all off, we're living together. I never thought I'd be able to live with anyone, but when offered a chance to live in a house with a yard for the same price as my tiny, no-pets studio apartment, I couldn't pass it up. I convinced her to move in, and it's been great. I have had a roommate before, for a short time, and it was awful. Maybe I just had a terrible roommate and it left a bad taste in my mouth. But, having a roommate has actually seemed to help me a great deal. I eat more regularly, I am more structured, and my house is cleaner.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #6: The DSM-V

2010-04-24T22:12:00.001-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 6: The DSM-V.

The DSM-V is set to come out in 2013, and there are some major changes going into it. We're just going to look at the changes that are planned for the autism section.

First, it is proposed that Asperger's and PDD-NOS be combined with autistic disorder, and together renamed "Autism Spectrum Disorder." I personally am all for this change. I think that it'll not only help get services for those of us that are higher functioning (but still in need of help), but it also is, after all, one of the goals of the neurodiversity movement - to show that Asperger's, PDD-NOS and Autism are all the same thing.

In the current DSV-IV, the following are the criteria for Asperger's, PDD-NOS and Autistic Disorder (from dsm5.org ):

Asperger’s Disorder
A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(1) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(2) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(3) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(4) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(1) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(2) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(3) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)
(4) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (Including Atypical Autism)
This category should be used when there is a severe and pervasive impairment in the development of reciprocal social interaction associated with impairment in either verbal or nonverbal communication skills or with the presence of stereotyped behavior, interests, and activities, but the criteria are not met for a specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, Schizotypal Personality Disorder, or Avoidant Personality Disorder. For example, this category includes “atypical autism”—presentations that do not meet the criteria for Autistic Disorder because of late age at onset, atypical symptomatology, or subthreshold symptomatology, or all of these.

Autistic Disorder
A. A total of six (or more) items from (1), (2), and (3), with at least two from (1), and one each from (2) and (3):
(1) qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
(a) marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction
(b) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(c) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest)
(d) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
(2) qualitative impairments in communication as manifested by at least one of the following:
(a) delay in, or total lack of, the development of spoken language (not accompanied by an attempt to compensate through alternative modes of communication such as gesture or mime)
(b) in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others
(c) stereotyped and repetitive use of language or idiosyncratic language
(d) lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level
(3) restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:
(a) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
(b) apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals
(c) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole body movements)
(d) persistent preoccupation with parts of objects
B. Delays or abnormal functioning in at least one of the following areas, with onset prior to age 3 years: (1) social interaction, (2) language as used in social communication, or (3) symbolic or imaginative play.
C. The disturbance is not better accounted for by Rett’s Disorder or Childhood Disintegrative Disorder.

And, here is the proposed revision for Autism Spectrum Disorder (also from dsm5.org ):

Autism Spectrum Disorder
Must meet criteria 1, 2, and 3:

1. Clinically significant, persistent deficits in social communication and interactions, as manifest by all of the following:
a. Marked deficits in nonverbal and verbal communication used for social interaction:
b. Lack of social reciprocity;
c. Failure to develop and maintain peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least TWO of the following:
a. Stereotyped motor or verbal behaviors, or unusual sensory behaviors
b. Excessive adherence to routines and ritualized patterns of behavior
c. Restricted, fixated interests
3. Symptoms must be present in early childhood (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities)

If you'd like to read the official DSM-V rational for the changes, you can read it here: Proposed Revisions - Rationale

Here's my take on the actual proposed criteria. Some people claim that those that are diagnosed with Asperger's right now may not meet the Autism Spectrum criteria. I think that this will only really be the case if they are misdiagnosed as having Asperger's right now. I think the DSM-V criteria are quite good. So let's take it apart, keeping in mind to be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, one must meet all 3 criteria:

1. Clinically significant, persistent deficits in social communication and interactions, as manifest by all of the following:
a. Marked deficits in nonverbal and verbal communication used for social interaction:
b. Lack of social reciprocity;
c. Failure to develop and maintain peer relationships appropriate to developmental level

A change from this is that one must show ALL of the above symptoms. A lot of people think that they don't meet them all, when really they do, they just don't see that they do (which is why diagnosis is left to professionals). Let's take criterion A, first. I do display this trait - there are times I can't speak, even if I really want to, or can't find the words to say what I want. I also have issues with nonverbal communication (as explained in an earlier post this week). Now for b: I perhaps struggle with this on e the most out of a, b and c combined, simply because I hate sometimes coming off as rude when really I just don't "get" it. Take the dog show for example - I tried very hard to try to congratulate others and wish them good luck, because I knew ahead of time that that was expected of me. But, even then, there were a lot of case when I failed to do that. I was also often caught off guard and didn't know how to respond to someone else congratulating me or wishing me good luck. Now, out of a, b and c, the one that I have the hardest time seeing in myself is C. Not because I have lots of friends, but because it hurts a little to see what others have and what I lack. I like to think that having on friend is sufficient - and in my case, it probably is - but it's not developmentally typical to have one friend when you're 22 and in college. This is obvious when I see my roommate going out with other friends all the time, bringing other friends over, etc. I have one true friend. I get along with my coworkers for the most part, but they're not really friends. Add to that that my one friend I am only friends with because she forced herself on me and wouldn't give up (and we not only live together but also work together and have classes together). I don't make friends unless they force themselves on me, and it takes a special person to realize that they need to do that. So yes, C fits me well, although I don't like to admit it.

2. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least TWO of the following:
a. Stereotyped motor or verbal behaviors, or unusual sensory behaviors
b. Excessive adherence to routines and ritualized patterns of behavior
c. Restricted, fixated interests

To meet this criteria, you only have to show two of the "mini-criteria". I definitely fit A and C, and to a lesser extent, B, so that qualifies me. A: I flap, I rock; those are stereotyped motor behaviors. But, I also stim using echolalia, press my eyes to see patterns, and cover my ears or alkternate covering them to hear what it sounds like in a different way. I also smell everything. Then there are the sensory processing issues I have. Now, for B, I show this to a small degree (or at least to me it's a small degree) by wanting even sensation on symmetrical parts of my body (for example, if I scratch one arm I need to scratch the other), and I count by 3s, eat by 3s, and read by 3s. To me that's not "excessive" though. Now, for C, I definitely fit that one. My narrow range of interest changes now and then, but it's always been narrow. It used to be horses. Now it's dogs and ASDs. Every person on the spectrum I have met has had this narrow range of interests.

3. Symptoms must be present in early childhood (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities)

Now the kicker. This is where a lot of people diagnosed with Asperger's claim they don't fit in anymore. In reality, they have been displaying these things all their lives, they've just either not recognized them (or their parents didn't recognize them), or they weren't as severe in the past as they are now - and this is okay, as stated by "but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities." I always say I was not disabled until I moved out and started living on my own. That is when social demands exceeded my limited capacities. Sure, I showed symptoms before. Even my mom, who was so resistant initially, tells me all the time about things I did in childhood that seemed "strange" but in retrospect were all a part of my autism. For example, every night when I was a kid I needed to be covered with my "army blanket" and then my "invisible blanket." My army blanket was tangible, and my mom knew I was attached to it (sadly, it was lost when we moved from Washington to Kansas...I still would like a replacement). But the "invisible blanket" was between my dad and I, and to this day my mom doesn't get it. It was a huge comfort to me when I was a kid, though, and thus my dad always had to tuck me in at night so he could cover me with the invisible blanket. Then there is the incessant watching of "Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree" about 5 million times when I was a kid. Fixated interests much? ;) Even friendships were difficult for me, although I never knew it until I was in middle school and realized that the people I thought were my friends weren't my friends at all.

So, to me, the new proposed criteria are excellent, and they should be passed. I received a request to vote them down (I don't remember where or when), but instead I think they are great and should definitely be put in the DSM-V.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #5: Spoon Theory

2010-04-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 5: Spoon Theory

I was going to give a long explanation of what spoon theory is. Instead, I'll refer you to the original "spoon theory" and then I'll elaborate and explain how it applies to autism, at least in my case.

So, first read this: The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino/

Here's my interpretation. Let's say I start with 3 sensory spoons. Theses spoons can be replenished after recovery from a shutdown, but not before. And it takes longer to recover them if I actually go into shutdown than if I realize I'm close to the edge and try to recover before I go over it. If I am exposed to loud noise, that uses a spoon. Add on something bright or hard to look at, and that takes another spoon for vision. Add in trying to talk to someone, and that takes away the third spoon. At this point, I'm out of spoons. If another sensory event happens - say, unwanted and unannounced touch, that's it - it's shutdown time. By the time I have used 2 spoons, I'm on the verge of shutdown. If I can recognize that, and I do have specific tells, then great, I can get myself out and potentially get a spoon back. Thing is, I don't always notice me tells until I've used the 3rd spoon, if at all. So I often end up spending that 4th spoon that I don't have, and it all falls apart. Sometimes I can keep pushing myself and borrow a 4th spoon from the future, but that means next time (after I recover form the inevitable shutdown), I'll be that much closer to shutdown. For me tells include stereotypical motor movements (flapping my arms, for example, or jiggling my leg), irritability, and headache. Usually by the time I have a headache I've already used all 3 spoons, though...and that's most often the time I notice.

Spoons can be used up for other things too. Say in a given day I have 9 non-sensory spoons to use (in addition to the sensory spoons). Loss of these spoons will result in a meltdown or, depending on how they are used, a shutdown (or a combination of the two). I use one to drive to work, two or three while at work, and another one to drive home (work or school, that is, depending on the day). So in any given day I use 4 or 5 spoons just for work/school. If I have night class, that takes away another spoon on two (depending on the drive home - idiots with high beam head lights take away a spoon, despite my sunglasses). So at this point we're up to 7 spoons. Homework takes one, as does socializing. This means if I have night class, I typically have to choose one or the other. If I don't have night class, I can have more leeway. If there is some sort of drama in the course of the day - say an argument or a family emergency - that uses a spoon. Sometimes those little dramas can take ALL the remaining spoons and leave me screwed for the rest of the night.

As you can see, the more I run into in a given day, the more likely I am to go into shutdown or meltdown, or both. Lately meltdowns have been few and far between. There was a time that meltdowns were an everyday occurrence. However, it's common to have a shutdown every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and at the very least every other day.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #4: You don't look/act/sound autistic/disabled

2010-04-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 4: You don't look/act/sound autistic/disabled.

When I come "out" to someone for the first time, the response is typically one of two things: "That explains a lot," or "You don't seems autistic." Typically, the former of the two responses comes from people I actually know and have interacted with a lot. The latter comes from your random person off the street that I meet.

Example: I recently went to an Asperger's meetup here in town. Apparently it was primarily for parents, but there were a few of us there that were actually on the spectrum (it was a HUGE FAIL though). When I was asked why I was there, and told them that I am on the spectrum, the general consensus was "Wow, I never would have known." The truth is, no, if you don't know me, you probably won't notice. Autism doesn't have a "look." Neither do many other disabilities. What does Schizophrenia look like? Blindness? Deafness? Cancer? Diabetes? Heart disease?

The simple fact is, disabled doesn't "look" or act any particular way. Many, many disabilities are invisible. A lot of times, those of us with invisible disabilities are made ot feel somehow that our disability is imaginary or insignificant. It may seem like that to outsiders, but to those of us that are disabled, it is significant, and it affects us every day of our lives.

As of right now, most people don't know I'm disabled until I come out to them. That will change when I get my service dog because it's obvious that there's something "wrong" with me if I have a service dog (mind you, "wrong" is just for lack of a better word; I'm me, as I am, and I'd never want it to be any other way. I don't see myself as being defective, just different.) With those I know well, even those that realize that I am autistic and accept it (ie my roommate) can't see that I am disabled. This is because they don't see me at my worst- they see me at my best and at my okay, but not my worst. I'm assuming that my roommate/friend/colleague/classmate will eventually see the "disabled me," it'll just be a matter of time. Those that have seen me at my worst have a greater understanding of how I function, and how my functioning can change at the drop of a hat. I can be doing great one minute, and then the next minute be pushed into sensory shutdown. It's just the way my nervous system works.

It seems, sometimes, that the general public thinks it is a compliment to say that a disabled person doesn't look/act disabled. I can appreciate that reasoning, but I also think it's important to look at the other side. A lot of us with invisible disabilities are trying to come to terms with it ourselves, and a lot of us don't feel "disabled enough" to deserve help, even when we desperately need it. Being told that you don't look or act disabled can make one think that maybe they really aren't disabled, and thus not deserving of help at all. It can also make one feel invalidated. Then there are people who are obviously disabled, but are still told they don't look disabled. For example, a blind person. Sure, they can get around great, but it's taken a lot of hard work to get to that point. A comment such as "You don't look disabled" can be taken as a condescending remark instead of a compliment.

The worst time to be told you don't seem disabled is when you're barely functioning. A comment such as that can push a shutdown into a full blown meltdown (recap: as I define them, shutdown is purely sensory, meltdown has emotions involved as well). I may look fine on the outside but be struggling to do whatever it is that I'm doing, and barely making it work. Just because I'm walking through Walmart doesn't mean I know how to get out of Walmart, back to my car, or even to the checkout, or can make it home without needing to take a break once I do find my car.

So, although typically the comment "You don't seem autistic" (or something to that effect) is meant well, it's probably something that is best avoided (take heart, though - generally it is understood that it is not meant as an insult, so don't feel too terrible about having said something similar to someone in the past). If you get to know someone well enough, you will eventually see it all.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #3: I am Not a Puzzle, I am a Person

2010-04-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 3: the puzzle piece and the spectrum.

The puzzle piece is the traditional symbol of autism, and yet it is offensive to many of us that are actually autistic. The puzzle piece is associated with Autism Speaks, which adds insult to injury. The puzzle piece insinuates that we are not whole people, but rather parts of a whole person that need to be put together, or "solved."

The puzzle piece also symbolizes the need to fix or cure us. Of course there are some autistics that want to be cured, but the vast majority DON'T want a cure. Realistically, the only cure that would be feasible would be eugenic in nature. I hope that before this ever happens, people realize how dangerous it is to eliminate a gene entirely from the gene pool. Genetic diversity is very important. In theory though, if someone who is autistic now were to be "cured," they wouldn't be the same person. Everything we have learned, everything we have experienced, we have done as an autistic person. To take away that part of us is to take away who we are.

The spectrum, or "rainbow," is a much more acceptable, inoffensive symbol of autism. It symbolizes diversity. It is not the symbol of despair and brokenness that the puzzle piece has come to be. The spectrum shows that we are all different, not just in our disabilities, but in our abilities as well. Though we are different from anyone else, we ARE people, too. Whole people.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #2: Eye contact

2010-04-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 2: Eye contact.

As promised, here is a little more about eye contact, or the lack thereof.

As far as I've been told, I have decent eye contact a lot of the time. If I make a conscious effort, I will make eye contact. But, if there is more going on, or I really need to understand what is being said, the eye contact disappears. I also tend to be pretty good at faking eye contact, which gets me by in a lot of social situations.

The reason I don't make eye contact is that I have limited sensory resources (we'll go more into this later in the week). If I make eye contact, that takes away some of the resources. Other people on the spectrum have other reasons for limited eye contact; it really varies quite a bit.

To compensate, I have learned to look at a person's mouth, nose, or even eyebrows to simulate eye contact. I thought this was great until my brother told me that looking at the mouth sends the signal that you want to kiss said person (which horrified me). So I try to look at the nose, primarily. Another thing I will do is look at the hand of a person if they are engaged in an activity. for example, at a store I typically watch as the cashier scans the items (that is, unless there is self-checkout. I <3 self checkout ^.^) It's not that I think the cashier will make a mistake, it's just that I'd rather watch hands than faces. I always have been that way, i just never realized it was atypical until I started learning more about ASDs.

One place eye contact (and other autism-related issues) can catch me up is in interviews. I almost didn't get my current job because I was too quiet at the interview. But, I got lucky (personally, I believe my boss is on the spectrum as well from what I know of him and his past - and this probably actually saved me on eye contact in that particular interview). However, interviews are also the one place I have learned I HAVE to fake eye contact if I can't actually make eye contact. Another similar situation was recently when I had to give a disposition about my car accident. I was afraid that I would look suspicious between a lack of eye contact and presence of anxiety, but apparently I handled it well enough that it never went to court (yay!). It's similar to what I explained yesterday - when something is expected of me, I can step up and handle it for a short period. If I were to try to do that every day all day long, I'd go into shutdown pretty damn quick, but for temporary situations it can work.

Remember to check back every day this week for new articles! Some of the topics for the week include spoon theory, "You don't look/act/sound autistic/disabled," and the DSM-V, among others.

Autism Awareness Month Post-a-Thon #1: Communication

2010-04-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

In honor of Autism Awareness Month I have decided to do a post-a-thon. Each day for 1 week there will be a new post. Hooray! Today is Part 1: Communication.

There are 3 basic types of communication: verbal, non-verbal, and written. Each person on the spectrum is different, but for me, written communication is by far the easiest. Verbal can come and go, and non-verbal is okay as long as I have learned the non-verbal "phrase" in question.

Non-verbal communication consists of body language, facial expressions, and movement. If I have been taught that some form of non-verbal communication means a given thing, then I will generally understand that (there are exceptions). I can get some basic facial expressions, too. But I can't recognize all facial expressions, and am often incorrect in my interpretation. Sometimes facial expression actually confuses me more when I "get" everything else, which is one of many reasons I can tend to avoid eye contact (more on eye contact, and pseudo-eye-contact, in another post later this week). To me, however, non-verbal communication just isn't as important as the words that are actually being said. This, too, can lead to confusion. Someone can say something that would otherwise be hurtful but use non-verbal communication to say that it's just a joke. If I didn't understand any non-verbal communication at all, then that particular comment would simply seem hurtful. But, since I can get some non-verbal communication and not other "phrases," I typically just end up confused or contemplating the actual meaning (which in turn means I miss out on whatever is happening next as I am trying to work out what just happened). A lot of people say that communication online is similar to not understanding, or not being able to take advantage of, non-verbal communication. In reality, for me emoticons and other symbols help fill that void. If only people held up emoticons in real life, it would all be so much simpler ;)

Verbal communication can be a challenge. I can generally participate in everyday conversation with only minor difficulties. For example, I'll often ask to hear something repeated only to realize a few seconds later that I didn't need it repeated. I suppose this is a delay in auditory processing. Other times I think I heard what was said, but I mis-processed it and heard something entirely different. Other times it seems like no matter how many times something is repeated, it still sounds like a foreign language. Movies and TV shows often fall into this category. If I know my auditory processing is lacking at some point, I will turn on closed captioning (in the rare event that I do watch TV or a movie), and read the dialog. However, this means I'm too involved in reading the dialog to pay attention to what is actually happening in the show, so either way I only get a partial story. When I talk on the phone, I also tend to get just bits and pieces. But at least now I CAN talk on the phone. That wasn't always the case. I still don't like talking on the phone, I'd much rather communicate in person or in writing, but it's there when I need it. When the pressure is on to communicate well, such as when interacting with clients at work, I can somehow manage to do all right - even on the phone. I don't know how this works, exactly, but I think it has to do in part with the fact that I'm talking about things I like and am interested in, and partially because it's been rehearsed so many times it's second nature. That being said, when I answer the phone my greeting still often comes out mushy and nearly inaudible, especially if I'm in a hurry. I also sometimes don't even notice the phone.

Written communication is my forte. Writing has so much more to offer than other forms of communication. It isn't instant, for one, so I can (for the most part) plan out what I want to say before anyone ever actually reads it. I can also type out things I DON'T want to say and erase them before anyone else ever gets the chance to read them. I can reword what I want to say as many times as I'd like before it's is actually "said." Also, written communication is much less confusing for me to begin with. No non-verbal communication, fewer hidden meanings to decipher, and no faces to decode (except for emoticons, as mentioned earlier, which I have come to learn symbolize something concrete). Writing flows for me in a way that speech doesn't. However, this is only true when I am typing. When I write by hand, it's actually about on the same level as speaking because my hand can't keep up with my brain (not to mention I can't typically go back and read what I write...and neither can most other people lol). When my mind goes faster than my hand can write I end up losing pieces of what I wanted to say and making silly mistakes. Sometimes people who have initially only communicated with me in writing are surprised by the way I communicate verbally - doesn't flow nearly as well, and if it were to be transcribed into text it would not at all be on the same level as straight written communication.

There are, of course, exceptions to everything. Sometimes I'd just rather speak than write a response out. I appreciate the "voice reply" feature on my cell phone, which enables be to reply with a voice message instead of a text message if I choose to do so. But 99% of the time I'd really rather write it out. Sometimes I'd really rather use gestures than anything else because speaking is too much of an effort and writing is impractical.

I'm getting a service dog candidate!

2010-04-15T08:07:00.001-07:00

The time has finally come. In 36 days I am flying out to meet my new dog, a dog that will be my service dog candidate. He is a tri-color male smooth collie. In addition to eventually being my service dog, he is also show-quality and will be shown in conformation, and I plan to train him for rally, obedience, and agility as well. Herding is also a possibility. He will be 1 year old on MAy 9th, and I'm going to fly out and get him on May 21.

I am very excited for this dog. A year to a year and a half from now, I will likely have a full-fledged service dog.

The dog itself is $800, plus $281 for my plane ticket and $150 to fly him back, so a total of $1231. I have already paid a $400 deposit for the dog, and I have bought my plane ticket, so all that is left is $550 for the rest of the dog and his return trip, plus a 500 size vari-kennel (or similar) for him to fly in.

I am offering paintings and toys for sale to help fund the rest of the costs for obtaining my dog. If you would like to help, please visit http://muttmischief.weebly.com/ . If you would like to help but don't want to buy merchandise, you may also make donations (as little as $1, up to however much you'd like to give). You may donate on the Mutt Mischief website, or you can donate via Paypal with the following button:

Also, if you have a 500 size or larger Vari-Kennel or other airline-approved carrier that you would be willing to donate or sell for a low price, please contact me at muttmischief@gmail.com :)

Our First Dog Show

2010-04-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend Gavroche and I competing in our first dog show. Technically, our first 3 dog shows, but they were all back-to-back. All three days we competed in Rally Novice A I am VERY pleased with what he did this weekend. It was better than I ever hoped.

Friday was the Hutchinson Kennel Club show - our first trial ever. Everything was new to both of us. Gavroche had been the same same building a few weeks before for Yappy Days, so that helped at least some. We were both still on edge, though. We qualified, despite it all, with a score of 79 and we even got 3rd place. I was elated.

Saturday was the Salina Kennel Club show. I was more comfortable, Gavroche was more comfortable, and the course was great. We handled the course extremely well and ended up with a 98. I believe the two missing points were taken away for a tight leash on two occasions - once on the call to front finish right forward, where he lagged a bit as I moved forward, and once on a 279 right turn. We were in first place until the very last competitor went. They scored a 99 to take first, and Gavroche got 2nd. I was blown away.

Then Sunday came, with the Wichita Dog Training Club trial. It seemed to be going quite well most of the morning as we were warming up. But there was one big difference today than there was in the other two competitions - the judge was a male, and a large male at that. Gavroche is quite skittish around most men. Some he has absolutely no problem with, but I think he just doesn't get much contact with men, plus who knows what he went through before I got him. It's something we definitely need to work on. Add to that the fact that I was getting tired, my dog was getting tired, and three days of a messed-up routine.... Gavroche wasn't tuned into me like he usually is, he was keeping an eye on the judge when it was our turn. I had to work HARD to even get through the course, and we probably would have still qualified (albeit with a poor score), but I completely missed one of the signs and didn't catch it until it was too late. I thought I had missed a sign, but figured I'd just miscounted. I chalk the missed sign up to all of the aforementioned factors, plus being a little off course, and having not the greatest sensory processing at the moment. Regardless, I was very happy with the rest of the weekend, and I'm confident that Gavorche will get his title at the next show, whenever that may be. I never even thought I'd place, let alone get such a great score on Saturday. Hopefully this summer I can get Gavroche his first title, possibly even a second title, and start with the new dog, too (more about him in a bit).

I am very happy to finally have an outlet for my competitiveness. I used to be highly competitive, and especially when I was younger it really paid off. Lately, though, I've just been mediocre at everything. It's fun to compete again.

A new home

2010-03-20T00:07:00.000-07:00

I moved, again, almost 3 weeks ago. I am now living in a huge mobile home and, much to my surprise, I have a roommate. Well...I knew I would have a roommate, I just didn't think I'd ever willingly move into a roommate situation again. But I did.

My roommate, as of right now, is a man that I highly suspect is also on the spectrum. I rarely seem him or hear him. But, he will be moving out in about a week. My best friend is seriously considering moving in with me; there are 3 bedrooms, so if she moves in that leaves room for one more. She may have another friend that will move in, or we may leave it up to the landlord to find someone.

So, I have a fenced yard, which is awesome for Gavroche. The house has 2 living rooms, a dining room, a giant kitchen, a washer and dryer, and then of course the 3 bedrooms. Moving here may have been one of the best things I've done for myself since I got Gavroche and got my diagnosis. I had thought a smaller apartment would fix some of my issues - over-clutter, messes, etc, but it actually only made them worse. I had no room to put everything, so everything ended up cluttered and I had no reason to keep my apartment nice because it was impossible to make it look nice with all the crap I had. Moving here, however, has so far helped a lot of the issues I thought a smaller apartment would fix. My kitchen is spotless. It's amazing. I have my bank of cabinets, and so I know that all my stuff is localized to that area of the kitchen. If something is on the counter it just looks terrible, since it's so open everywhere else, so I am more motivated to keep things picked up. My room is good sized, and has a pretty good sized closet. I bought myself an actual fabric shower curtain that is blue and green, instead of a cheap white or clear plastic one I previously had. There were two small holes in the bathroom wall where a towel bar had apparently been ripped out of the wall, and so I just finished installing an oak towel bar, towel ring, toilet paper holder and hook, all matching the bathroom cabinets, and patched the two holes. The counters are blue, matching the shower curtain. My bathroom looks so nice, so again, I hate to mess it up.

I have prepared a garden area, though today it snowed again. I decided if I want a garden, which I desperately do, then I'm going to do it right so I don't get overwhelmed in the middle of the summer and give up. I mixed in manure and more soil, applied a weed cloth, and covered it with mulch. I also put a garden fence around it, since if my friend moves in she has two dachshunds that are not as respectful of the yard/garden as Gavroche is. Now as soon as it stays warm, probably middle of next month, I can plant my garden. I want a flower bed, and then I'm considering a small vegetable garden (I want a raised garden kit for that).

I have always thought that I would not be able to handle living with anyone. It never worked out in the past, so why would it be any different? Well, this time around I know my issues. My potential roommate knows my issues...in fact, she tends to be more open about them than I am at times. I get along with her very well, though we are polar opposites. Our dogs get along well. She has helped me in school by giving me cues. When we had classes together, I missed less class, studied more, and generally had a less stressful time of it by following her cues. I even learned my way around campus, mostly. So I figure that if she moves in, I can take my cues from her for everyday things, too, such as showering, eating, and sleeping. We have very similar work schedules (we work together), so if she's asleep I ought to be asleep too. I think this has the potential to work out very, very well.

Another thing about this place is that dogs are allowed, free and clear. So not only can I have Gavroche here and not stress about it (even with him being allowed at the last place despite it being a no-pets apartment, it was more stressful than I anticipated, with neighbors, the occasional bark from overexcitement when we're playing, leash walking at all times, walking up and down the stairs to the 3rd floor and down when he needed to potty), but I can also get a dog at any time if I find the right dog to be my service dog candidate.

Changing Symptoms

2010-02-18T21:32:00.001-08:00

We all know autism is not supposed to be degenerative. Despite that fact, though, I have experienced symptom changes at several points, and I still do to this day. Also, the level of disability is dependent of the severity of symptoms, as well as other related factors.

For starters, I am of the opinion that people are born autistic, they don't become autistic later in life. With that in mind, I was not disabled, or at least in retrospect I don't view myself as being disabled, until I was about 18 or 19. Why? Because prior to that, I didn't have to care for myself. I didn't have to function independently. Three months before I turned 19, I moved out for the first time, into a dorm. It was hell. The hard part was I didn't know WHY I was having such a problem. My roommate (albeit only my roommate for a month or two) didn't have problems. Other people living on my floor didn't have problems. Why, then, was it different for me? Now I know the answer, but at the time I didn't.

I knew how to cook before I moved. I knew how to do laundry, how to clean up, how to study, how to do homework, how to shower, and how to eat. But I didn't know how to coordinate all those things. How could I do homework and study if I also had to go do laundry? How could I clean up when I have to make dinner and so homework and take a shower? Hoe can do I any of those things if I have to go to work and go to school every day?

Balancing those things, or at least attempting to, lowered my sensory thresholds to the point where I actually started experiencing more sensory symptoms. I had sensory issues before, but they were more noticeable. I started liking cloudy days because the sun wasn't so bright. I made strong associations between events or feelings and tastes, sounds, and scents, and developed some intolerances for some sensory sensations. To this day I cannot use clear liquid antibacterial hand soap. It reminds me of my first dorm room and how I struggled that year. I feel like crap just smelling it. In hindsight, the second semester of my freshman year, I was probably clinically depressed. Cold rooms with fluorescent lights also remind me of my dorm room...particularly after winter break, when I came back and found that I had left my window open and the heater turned down over Christmas. It was damn cold in there. And the only source of light was fluorescent.

Because of the sensory issues and problems coordinating caring for myself, I had some issues my freshman year, especially that second semester. I missed a lot of class simply because I couldn't get up in the morning...or rather, didn't have the will to get up in the morning. I had allergies that bothered me for the first time ever. I hated monthly room checks or unannounced visitors because I couldn't keep my room clean. This is when my fear of answering the door originated. I still don't like it when someone knocks on my door, which is one reason I like my current apartment - nobody can get to my door, they have to ring the buzzer at the main door first. I started trying to make meals in my room to avoid the dining hall because I just didn't want to deal with people. It never worked well, especially for dinner, but some lunches were okay. I ate a lot of salads.

Okay, fast forward to my second semester of my sophomore year. Up until April, I think I was still probably depressed - and maybe even after that. But come April, I self-discovered that I was autistic. That is when the anxiety levels increased. I had mixed feelings of joy for finally figuring it out, and rejection for my parents not accepting it. I failed a class for the first time ever because I couldn't concentrate on it, and I still couldn't get myself to go to class regularly. I had more sensory issues - terrible cooking smells from my suitemate and other residents in the apartments on campus. Loud thumping music from my suitemate. And worst of all, fire alarms at all hours of the day and night. Early in that second semester was when I think I had my first panic attack. I didn't really register it at the time, but in hindsight it had all the hallmarks of a classic anxiety attack. It was, indeed, partially because there was a loud noise (fire alarm) waking me at 4 in the morning and I had to hurry out from my warm room to the freezing cold outside. Not only was there a transition from hot to cold, but also sleep to waking and quiet to noisy. I knew there was no fire, but I could not get myself to calm down. Every fire alarm after that, the feeling was repeated, and I have had other instances of felling similar, but not as full-blown. Buzzing noises still irritate me to no end. Just now my Blackberry vibrated on the table, and I jumped. I don't mind the vibrating if it's in my pocket or something, but when it's on a hard surface, it's a killer.

Now fast forward to the past several months. I still am having changes in symptoms. I was not always super-sensitive to bright lights. I didn't use to have to close my eyes when I step out of a building into the sunlight. But I do now. I didn't used to wear yellow glasses when driving at night. I do now, and I get overwhelmed more quickly if I forget them. I think that, however, is more that I didn't know what I was missing before - now I know there's something that helps, and it just sucks that much more when I don't have it. Blue lights on police cars didn't use to bother me much, but last night I found myself shielding my eyes from them. Smells didn't use to bother me too badly (at least not most smells), but last night the smell of fermenting oranges on my counter was bugging me (I know, gross, but I still haven't figured out this whole balancing work, school, homework, cleaning and everything else). I used to have my GPS turned up to 100% volume. Not I have it around 30%. I find myself going into sensory shutdown - or nearing it - more often that I have now than I have since the summer before I was diagnosed. Even then, though, it was more emotional meltdown than sensory shutdown. I have more "ambush shutdowns" that come out of nowhere after an otherwise not-overly-stimulating day.

In addition to increased sensory issues, I have had other symptoms too. I sometimes find myself feeling as if things are slanted...it's hard to describe. It's not feeling dizzy, but just that things are tilted. It's not even a feeling that it's wrong that these things are tilted, just that they are. For example when I was in class last night, it seemed as if the table was tilted to the left and slightly towards me - which it was not. The tilt didn't both me, and in fact, I didn't notice it had seemed tilted until I realized that it in fact wasn't tilted at all. I suspect it has to do with sensory issues, given that last night was NOT very sensory-friendly, but I don't know. I have seemed to have a poorer and poorer sense of balance over the last couple years, too. It's actually become a big joke at work (and I don't mind because after all, it's true). Doc was laughing at me the other day because I tipped over when I bent down to grab a pill vial off the floor. Occasionally I will be standing and will start to tip. I can catch myself most of the time, fortunately. A year ago, maybe a little longer, I started having what I can only explain as explosions in my head when I'm falling asleep (if you're curious, check out Exploding Head Syndrome). Some nights there are no explosions. Other nights there are one or two. Some nights, though, they are too numerous to count. Supposedly it's related to stress, which would not surprise me at all.

So, taking this all into account...is autism degenerative to a degree? Or do the symptoms change with environment more than with age? How do you explain worsening symptoms with an issue that is supposed to actually get better with age, not worse? Do your symptoms vary depending on stress or other factors? How do you account for new symptoms (ones that could be autism-related even though you have not had them before)? Is it possible that new or worsening symptoms are actually not autism related at all ,but indicative of another problem? And on that now, can any problem we encounter be truly not autism-related, since everything we do is affected by our neurotype? After all, even common colds affect us differently (for many people) than they affect neurotypicals. Or, is it just that as we become more aware of who we are and how we function, we become more aware of problems that we have, and as such, they just seem worse or more frequent, and we notice small things we didn't notice about ourselves previously?

Sorry about the length, this post just kind of took off without me lol. I had intended for it be short, but obviously, it's not.

I'm not the only one!

2009-12-29T00:11:00.000-08:00

I just found this blog entry, and I wanted to post here:

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/12/01/aspergers-at-work-why-i-need-a-sick-day-to-register-my-car/

I'm not the only one who has trouble with these kinds of things! Granted that's not a huge surprise, but still, it's nice to know. So here's my DMV story.

I had been driving a car with expired tags for about 6 months. Yeah, I would prefer not to have done so, but I couldn't help it. Partly because I couldn't afford the assumed $300 to register it. But partly because I didn't know how.

I bought my car in January. My tags expired in April. I had intended to register the car in April with my tax return, but it sort of disappeared. So then I kept planning it, but I kept coming up short. Then finally I figured I'd do it in August when I got my school money. Ha. The money, though, wasn't really the issue at that point.

First, I realized my insurance had expired. So I set out to buy insurance on my own for the first time. It was actually pretty painless, thanks to Allstate and the internet. So I get my insurance, print out what I thought was proof of insurance, get all my car stuff together (which reminds me, here it is almost a year after I bought the car, and I still need to send the title to the banks. Whoops.), and have my dad take me to the DMV. I need an inspection first, since the car originally came from out of state. I honetly don't remember all the details, but I do know I sat in the inspection office for quite some time after I was free to go, but I didn't know I could go, until finally the sheriff told me "You can go now." Yippee, thanks for telling me >_> So my dad and I go over to the part where you register the car. I have to figure out the whole number system, too, but at least it's fairly quiet at that time, and it really is numbers and numbers only. And as far as I know all they do is register cars (I could be wrong, though). I get there, show them my insurance, and they tell me "No. This is proof of purchase. We need proof of insurance. Here, call the insurance company and have them fax it to this number." Heavy sigh. So we go out, I try to call the insurance company, but thanks to Cash for Clunkers I can't get through. This, of course, is after I try to avoid calling them at all. I do eventually get through...and then the phone starts cutting out, and I can't make out anything. I have trouble understanding things on the phone anyway, but this made it impossible. I ask to go home, and we do, and I have a meltdown, and I never did get them to fax the papers to the DMV. So I wait for them to come in the mail. When they did finally come, I had every intention of going to get my car registered. but my dad seems reluctant to take me. So I don't go.

Later, I think maybe 4 to 6 weeks later, I finally make the decision to go down to the DMV the next day and register my car. All by myself. I go to work that night, and get off a little early. I'm about two blocks from home, and then...I get stopped by the police. I'm frantic because I don't even know where all my stuff is. I had been stopped by campus police before and it took me half an hour to find my driver's license. After all that, it was in my cup holder. Thankfully, my stuff was all in my glove compartment still from my registration attempt. I get it out, and then I try to find my Asperger's card that I keep just in case, because at this point I really don't know if I'm going to be able to talk. I can't find it. So I start rehearsing possible situations in my head. When the officer does finally come to my window, he asks if it is my car (yes, of course it is) and I know why he pulled me over. I tell him probably because my tags are expired. As if there were any other reason. Then he asks for my license and insurance (he leaves out the registration part, since apparently he figured I didn't have it or my tags would be up to date). I oblige, and then realize that I didn't put my sunglasses on to drive that night. And the lights from the police car are annoying the crap out of me. I want to put my sunglasses on, but then I worry he'd think I'm drunk, and I really probably would not have passes a field sobriety test at that point, either, and not because I was drunk. I can barely walk a straight line in daylight when I'm perfectly relaxed, and in this situation it would have been impossible. So then I want to ask him if he could turn the lights off, but then I realize it's a safety issue, and he's over by his car anyway, and I'm afraid that if I get out I'll get shot. So I stay in, close my eyes, try to look away from the lights. Finally he comes back. He asks if my address on my driver's licesne is current, and it's not, since I just moved, and tell him so. Then he asks what my current address is, and I have to think a while, but I do get it right. He gives me the ticket, and tells me I really should get it registered as soon as possible if I plan to keep driving, and that the record will be in the system within 48 hours so I can pay it, but I need to pay it within 10 days. I tell him I was planning on registering the car tomorrow, which comes out like some sort of shitty excuse. So I try to save myself and tell him that I had problems with insurance and stuff. I really want to tell him the entire story, but even if he would have stayed to listen, I couldn't have made it all come out. I swear I wanted to ask him if he would come with me to the DMV, but I figured the odds of that were slim to none. So instead he tells me to drive safely, and off we go. Overall, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated.

Then the fun begins -_- I go to the DMV the next day, since I'm off for the day after my morning class. Thankfully it's even less full that it was before, so it goes quickly. I hand the stack of papers over, I sign something, and I get my tag. Then I go ot put my tag on, and find out I need a screw driver. I knew I needed one, as I have changed tags before, it just didn't occur to me to bring one. But at least I'm registered, so if I get stopped again, I can prove it. I drive to city hall, and the parking lot is all torn up, so I park in the bank parking lot. It does specifically say customer parking only, and I am a customer at that bank, so I park ther anyway. Just to make it legitimate, I go in and change my address at the bank and order checks. I needed to change my address anyway, and I needed to order checks over a year ago and never did, so at least it was productive. I walk to city hall across the street, and am amazed by the talking crosswalk they just put in. I go though the metal detector, and ask the police officer at the elevator where to go to pay my ticket. Hew tells me what floor to go to, so I go. I get in line, as short as it is, and then I get to the counter. They can't find my ticket in the computer, of course, because it's only been maybe 12 hours since I got it. They let me pay anyway, fortunately, because if I had to leave there's no guarantee I would have come back. And then I would have ended up with a suspended license, and then I would have gone to jail, and then because I'd have no idea what to do I'd probably sit in jail and rot for 20 years for what amounts to essentially a fix-it ticket [/end dramatization]. So, that's my DMV story. And I get to do it all over again in 3 months >.<

Now, I have a question, if anyone wants to give their feedback. I still need to update the address on my driver's license. This involves getting a new driver's license. I know from the last time I went, they will ask if I have any disabilities. So, do I disclose my Asperger's, or not? Why do they need to know? Will they put it on my driver's license? I can see goods and bad from that happening. Let me know what you think.

The Future and Service Dogs

2009-12-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

I am on cloud 9 right now. A few days ago a service/guide dog trainer contacted me and asked about the program I want to start sometime. My dream is to have a service dog school for autistic adults. In my efforts to find a school to train a dog for me, I found that so many are willing to tie a kid to a dog and call it good, but nobody want to go through the effort to train a real service dog for an adult autistic. You can't even reason with them that they'd be teaching essentially the same thing they teach other service dogs, it's just going to someone with a different disability. Anyway, a service/guide dog trainer that I've talked to a bit recently contacted me the other day and told me how she has wanted to start her own school too, or at least be able to train more dogs at once to make progress towards a program. She used to train for The Seeing Eye but now trains on her own. She asked me if I would be willing to work with her when I finish at Bergin! I'm so fucking happy. We've been talking about the future for a while, nothing's set in stone or 100% sure yet, but I couldn't be happier.

Scary...what if we're next?

2009-11-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm sitting in my abnormal class right now, and we just discussed the new popular diagnosis in kids - bipolar disorder. That in and of itself isn't all too shocking; kind of strange to think about, yes, but shocking, no. That scary part is that in kids that are considered to be "at risk" for bipolar disorder (for example, a parent is bipolar), even if they are not showing any symptoms themselves, they are being placed on medications that are supposed to prevent the development of bipolar disorder. This is a little too close for comfort for my taste. If they're trying this with bipolar disorder, it's only a matter of time before they try something similar with autistics. I mean what's next, administering drugs to pregnant autistic mothers (or NT mothers with autistic partners) to "prevent" autism? Drugs for infants to prevent it? I always figured that they'd attack our DNA first in an attempt to "cure," but maybe they'll follow those working on bipolar disorder...*shudders*

I Never Knew You Were Autistic

2009-11-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

I started volunteering at the zoo again a few weeks ago. One of the keepers I worked with way back when is still there, and I've been working with her. My friend is also working with me. This past Sunday when we went volunteering, it felt like the old days again - the weeks before that didn't seem quite the same, so it was good to get that feeling back. The keeper came up to break with my friend and I, and we all get along wonderfully. Well, we were talking about something and somehow got onto the topic of me watching the same movie over and over again for a while. My friend has an "Aha!" moment and asks, very casually, "Is that because you're autistic?" I and the keeper were both caught off-guard - myself because I didn't think she's really taken much note of it when I told her I was autistic, and didn't realize she'd apparently researched it and concluded that yes, I very much am autistic, and the keeper because she thought my friend was taking a shot at me jokingly (we have a relationship where we take shots at each other when the opportunity arises, all in good fun). Instantly, I couldn't have been happier. I was questioning whether this friend really "got it" or not, and obviously she did. I'd been planning on telling this keeper eventually that I was autistic, but didn't have the opportunity to do so yet because I was trying to avoid doing so in front of my friend, as I didn't know for sure where she stood on the issue. To have my friend tell the keeper, and as a casual comment at that, could not have been more perfect. Apparently my friend had taken my diagnosis in stride, researched it, and accepted it without question. The keeper was puzzled for a minute, then said "I never knew you were autistic." She was VERY interested in this new fact - I'd go far to say fascinated lol. Overall, it was a nice experience, and maybe I made another step towards positive awareness.

An Environment Defined by "Not Stuff"

2009-09-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning up today (I use that term loosely...) I came to a realization that made it a little more clear why I struggle with keeping my apartment clean and neat. I look at something, for example my desk, and see places where there isn't stuff. I fail to see that there are soda cans and cups and bottles and plates elsewhere in the area, I just see that there are spaces where there isn't stuff.

Take my bathroom counter as another example. There are 8 empty toilet paper rolls on my counter. I do not see them as 8 empty toilet paper rolls. I see that that majority of my counter is empty. Until the point where i realize there isn't any counter space, or not enough counter space, I do not realize that there is garbage on my counter and it needs to be thrown away.

Back to cleaning my desk area, I recognize that there is not stuff on the table to the left of my desk, so I will put stuff there. I don't realize there the reason I put it there and not on the file cabinet next to it is because there is stuff on the file cabinet - I just know that there's not stuff on the table.

As for the stuff itself - when I do realize there is stuff, which always comes after realizing there is very little "not stuff" left, i just see "stuff" but not what the stuff is composed of. I see stuff on the floor, but it's just stuff - in reality it's socks, papers, wrappers, but all I see is stuff. I think this is the other aspect that makes it difficult to keep things neat. I know that when the not-stuff dwindles, the newly-discovered stuff needs to be moved. I just can't always process that the socks in the pile need to go to the laundry basket, and the papers need to go in the file cabinet, and the wrappers need to go to the trash. I want to move all the stuff at once. This results in large piles of stuff, which means there is more not-stuff. I also suspect this is why packing and unpacking is hell (I'm still not unpacked, and I've been moved in here for nearly 2 months). i want to throw all the stuff in a box, because it's all stuff. Never mind that part of it needs to be throw out, it's still stuff so it still goes in the box. I have to focus on what that stuff is composed of when I pack, unpack, and clean, as as such it takes a lot of mental effort, so when I do this I quickly lose focus and after a while I end up switching to something that is easier to pay attention to...such as blogging (*guilty face*).

I'm assuming see the world as "not-stuff" is probably related to sensory processing. Now that I realize I do it, I have realized it's not just when I clean or pack or unpack. It's in everything I do. I drive, and when I near a car I don't see that I'm close to a car, instead I realize there's very little empty space between me and the next car, and I slow down. I think this is why I run into things a lot too (Walking! Not with the car! *huggles poor shiny-but-hail-damaged car*). When I'm looking for something I do it too - like if I need to find my keys, I don't see that my keys are sitting on the kitchen counter - instead I see that they're not on the hook and they're not on the floor and they're not on the other parts of the counter.

That is probably way more confusing for y'all to read than it was for me to write, and it was confusing enough to write...so if you want me to try to explain more, just ask ;) And look, nice short post after that last killer! ^.^

Service Dog Tasks

2009-09-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm going to warn you right now, this is going to be a LOOOOOOONG post, but I hope you find it interesting/helpful/whatever.

As I have said before, I plan to eventually get a service dog. Ideally I'd go through a program to get my first SD, but barring that I would consider getting a puppy AFTER my first 3 week session at Bergin. After, because I don't need to get a puppy and board it for 3 weeks right off the bat. As far as I have heard, Bergin does not allow outside SDs or SDiT on campus because it poses a fundamental alteration to their facility. So if I get an SD before I start there, it will not be going to class with me, though there is nothing to stop it from going elsewhere with me. With a puppy it wouldn't matter anyway because public access work would not begin until the dog was at least 12 to 18 months old, depending on the dog and the stage in training. Public access work is the last phase of service dog training. Yes, puppies need socialized too, but there is no reason to drag them to the grocery store or on every errand. Trips out to socialize puppies, and even to train a dog for public access, should consist of short, controlled outings that are for no other purpose than to train the dog. It is possible to train an SD without having public access as a Service Dog in Training if it is trained right. But I digress.

Occasionally, I have had some people ask me, when I tell them I'm looking into getting an SD, "What for?" Typically these are people that don't know all the aspects of my life - they don't see how i live my life, so they can't possibly know the extent of my disability, so of course they're curious as to what the dog will do. So, I am posting here a "wish list" of sorts for what I want a potential SD to do. I want to make it clear that this is a personal list, and is not for the purpose of picking and choosing tasks for your own or someone else's SD. The tasks an SD is trained to do vary depending on the person and the disability; there is one task in this list that would probably be a real task only for those on the autism spectrum; it could certainly be helpful to others, but would not be a bona fide, holds-up-in-court task.

I use the following definitions in my list:
Strong task - a task that should definitely hold up in court; it is relatively easy to explain both the need and how it helps, and is demonstrable on demand
Weak task - a task that is really a task, but due to either a difficulty of explaining it, difficulty explaining the need, or an inability to demonstrate on demand, may be difficult to prove in court
Extra - a task that may very well be a real task for some people with certain disabilities, but is not a real task for me as I could find other ways to help me, but the dog would make it easier; these are bonuses that don't hurt but probably would not hold up in court for my particular case
ESA - not a task as it is not trained; something a dog does naturally that my own dog may already be doing; emotional support type behaviors

It is important to note that a task MUST be trained for it to be a task; something the dog does naturally is not a task. Seizure alerts are not a task as if a dog will alert to a seizure, it is natural and not trained; however seizure response is a task as it is trained. Also keep in mind that the strong task may not necessarily be the most used or the most helpful tasks; the most helpful tasks may be ones that are difficult to explain or prove, or the most helpful but not trained, such as seizure alerts.

I have also included a brief description of how the given task will help me, to help illustrate that a task is only a task if it mitigates the handler's disability.

Without further ado, here is my list:

1. Sometimes am not aware of my surroundings, and run into things, trip over things, or just get really confused or overstimulated and freeze. It's as if I can still see, but I can't comprehend more than what's directly ahead of me, and when I can I don't know how to act upon that information. This has it root in sensory processing difficulties. For example, a week ago I saw a car coming as I was crossing the street. Rather than back up or finish crossing, I froze, and it took a while to process what I should be doing (ie, crossing the street).

STRONG TASK: Obstacle avoidance. Steer around hazards. This is proving to be the most difficult task to get trained from a school, as it really is light guide work; with the obvious exception of guide dog schools, most places don't train any guide work at all. This would likely be something I would have to add on myself.

STRONG TASK: Blocking at street crossings, maintain forward motion until crossing is complete. Naturally, the dog would have to not only cross on a cue, but also stop on a cue if it was necessary in an emergency situation. However, the general idea is to get me to not walk in front of cars (which doesn't happen as often for me as it does for some other people, but still happens on occasion) and to get me across the street without stopping and gawking at a car that is coming right at me.

STRONG TASK: Tactile stimulation when I freeze; if, for instance, I come to an obstacle and cannot process how to get around it, tactile stimulation or a slight tug on a bridge handle could prompt me to move forward rather than being stuck in the processing stage; ideally, this would be combined with obstacle avoidance to help me actually navigate the obstacle. It has been suggested that even guiding around a large puddle could be helpful; I myself have been walking through, rather than around, puddles all my life and I'm no worse for the wear, so I am skeptical about that particular example.

WEAK TASK: let me know when runners/skaters/bikers are approaching and move me out of the way. This one is hard for me to classify; I do have problems realizing people are approaching and from where, but it is natural for a dog to be alert when people are approaching; however, guiding me out of the way is a trained task, and as such I choose to classify it as a weak task.

2.I don't filter sounds well, so I don't always hear someone call my name, and even if I do hear it, I don't always process that it's my name and that I should respond.

WEAK TASK: signal to my name, similar to what a hearing dog might do. This could very well be a strong task, however I feel that it would depend on the situation. In the environment I work in in one of my jobs now, it would be a very strong and very helpful task, as there are often announcements that ask certain people to go to certain areas; if they mention me by name, it would be good to have a signal to go along with it. I do usually catch my name eventually, but sometimes not on the first try, and it is difficult for me to understand the announcements; I have to stop typing to listen too, which reduces my efficiency and my speed. However, in a different environment this may not be needed at all, which is why I chose to classify it was a weak task.

3.I don't always recognize when the phone is ringing – unless it's my cell phone with its specific ring. This doesn't pose a problem at home, or currently at work since it's not often my job to answer the phone, but I can see this being an issue if I'm working in a position where I'll have to answer the phone, or if I ever get a home phone.

EXTRA: signal to the phone ringing. Again I classify this as an extra because at this time, I would not be using it much, but depending on my future situation it may be a task that gets used a lot. If a task will never be used, it can't really be counted as a strong task, as it is not mitigating a disability if it's not being used.

4.I often hear knocking, but am never sure whether it's at my door or someone else's door, so I'm constantly running to the door to peer out the peep hole to see if someone's at my door. Also, if I do hear knocking at neighbor's doors (in an apartment setting) I will become anxious that someone will knock at my door, and I won't realize that they're finally at my door and I'll either miss them, or they'll come in without my permission (this has happened multiple times in the past). This could also be useful in an office setting.

STRONG TASK: signal to a knock at the door similar to what a hearing dog would do; as of right now my ESA does this with a single bark, which is fine for at home, but in an office setting or other public accommodation it would have to be something silent.

5. I get lost easily, and can't seem to keep track of where I've been. I have trouble finding my car in a crowded parking lot. I get disoriented easily. The GPS has been absolutely wonderful for driving and walking longer distances, but not so great for walking short distances such as to and from my car, or within buildings.

STRONG TASK: Find exits to leave a building - important in case of emergency such as fire or other evacuation

STRONG TASK: Find the car

WEAK TASK: Find home/ "go home"; I classify this as a weak task because right now, I do not walk to a lot of places, and when I do it's usually to walk my dog. If I were in a situation where I walked more I would call this a strong task, however it would be difficult to demonstrate on demand in court, as you cannot just get up and leave and have everyone follow you home; a video may be a suitable alternative though.

6. I tend to either not hear my alarm, or push the snooze button and go back to sleep without ever fully becoming conscious (I'm not all too certain which one, or if it's a bit of both).

EXTRA: Signal to the alarm going off; could include pulling off blankets, turning on lights, or other behaviors. It is important, however, that this be on the cue of the alarm clock, and not to expect the dog to just wake you up at a regular time every day. This allows for flexibility. This is not a task per se, but rather an extra, as I can and do eventually get up on my own with a series of alarms, but I do have difficulty doing so; it is worse when I take naps than when I get up in the morning. I have been known to sleep through 10 alarms, give or take, and wake up 6 hours later after planning a 1 or 2 hour nap.

7. When I'm shopping, I have a hard time deciding what to get (for example, one brand over another, one flavor over another), and when this happens, I flap my arms and sometimes make indecisive noises (as my mom has pointed out). I also tend to either spend way too long in a store wandering aimlessly after getting distracted in this way, or running in and out to get it over with ad then forgetting most of the stuff I need. Most of the tasks I want would help with this, but there is a specific task that would help with shopping alone, particularly with staying in one place trying to decide between one thing and another too long.

STRONG TASK: signal to my flapping; this will let me know that I'm doing it, and from there I can make a conscious decision to stop and make a decision. It is important that the arm flapping is the cue, and that it is ultimately my choice to stop flapping and get going, but the issue is not being aware that I am doing this, which is where the signal comes in.

8. This hasn't been an issue since I've been in my own apartment, but in the dorms and the on-campus apartments I would wake up very confused when the fire alarms went off, and it would take several minutes before I realized it was the fire alarms and not the alarm clock. Then I would come very close to having an anxiety attack (and on more than one occasion probably did have an anxiety attack and did not recognize it as such) because I couldn't get my purse, shoes, and keys together quickly. Sometimes I'd even have my purse on my shoulder and still be looking for it frantically. I can see this being an issue at work if I'm concentrating on something else, however there is always the possibility of needing it at home too. I have yet to have the smoke detector go off in my own apartment, so I don't know how I would react.

STRONG TASK: signal the fire alarm, with a behavior very different from any other signal; this is one occasion where I would consider pawing at me to be acceptable, however it does not necessarily have to be pawing.

STRONG TASK: Find and bring me my keys, purse, glasses, shoes, and cell phone (ideally all kept together in a specific place; I am getting better at that aspect). I had originally classified this as a weak task or an extra, as I am physically capable of picking up my own belongings and putting my shoes on; however, another SD trainer and handler told me that in this case, given my disability, it would probably be a strong tasks, as it is very well know that people on the spectrum have sensory processing difficulties. This is likely the root of me not being able to locate my essential items in a hurry, and not realizing I have them on my person already. Given the noise, the abrupt awakening from sleep, and the panic, it isn't surprising that sensory processing takes a back seat in a situation like this. Ideally this would be paired with the "find exits" task to get me safely out of the building (back on campus I just followed the hordes of people, assuming they were going to the exit).

9. Sometimes I knock my glasses off the table by my bed, and can't find them in the morning. Without my glasses I'm functionally blind, plus in the morning my sensory processing sucks so feeling around for them takes quite a while. I try to hang my keys on the hook by the door when I come in, but I still misplace them sometimes, same with my cell phone, and sometimes my purse.

STRONG TASK: Find my keys, cell phone, purse, etc - this is really a repeat of the second part of the task for #8. Again I was inclined to call this a weak task or even an extra, but the other handler/trainer told me it would probably be a strong task due to sensory processing difficulties and the ease of which it could be demonstrated in court.

10. During a meltdown or shutdown, deep pressure and tactile stimulation helps me stop over-thinking (which just makes my meltdown last longer), and I can focus on something else to help regain control. During a shutdown, deep pressure also helps me calm my senses faster (like the dog laying on top of me), so I can become functional faster. I may have to try to identify things I do if I want the dog to respond on his own, but I could also possibly give a command once I recognize that I'm having a meltdown. The dog just being there helps, too, as I can voluntarily hug him and cuddle him, and command him to lay on me (My ESA has helped with this since the first day I got him).

STRONG TASK: tactile stimulation/deep pressure to help shorten the duration and reduce the intensity of a meltdown/shutdown. This is another that I would have called a weak task or even ESA behavior, but that same trainers/handler told me that due to the well known idea that autistics respond to deep pressure and it has a calming sensation on rapidly firing nerves and can reduce overwhelming sensory input, it would be considered a strong task; however, this is the one task that probably would not be a task for anyone not on the spectrum. The hugging/cuddling aspects ARE ESA behaviors, but the main task here is the deep pressure. Also, it is not necessarily a task for every person on the spectrum.

11. When I'm in class, I often drift off and stop paying attention. For the dog to help with this, I'd probably have to find something that I do when this happens, such as kick/swing my legs or chew on my pencil/pen (I do these often when I drift off, but I don't know if I do them consistently; I also don't do them exclusively when I drift off, but also when I'm concentrating. Perhaps just sitting completely still for a period of time may work as a cue?). This would probably be not-so-useful after I get out of school, though I can see it being useful in conferences or continuing education as well, as I'm sure I'll have to participate in these throughout my professional career.

EXTRA: tactile stimulation to make me aware when I'm drifting off so I can refocus. I call this an extra because I don't know if this is even possible to train, and it would probably be difficult to explain or demonstrate.

12. I tend to perseverate on things (surprise! ;)), particularly if I'm on the computer (surprise again! xD). There have been times I have been on the computer for 12 hours without realizing it, except for the dog needing to go out and get fed. I wonder if there's a way to train a dog to interrupt me at set intervals, so I recognize when I need to take a break?

EXTRA: signal when I have been doing the same thing for several hours on end; this would have to be another case where a signal alerts me and then I have to make a choice myself what to do about it, because there are legitimate reasons to be doing the same thing for hours on end. I also am labeling this an extra because I don't know if it's even trainable or how to go about training it, plus I could set alarms to do essentially the same thing. It would be difficult to explain in court, and practically impossible to demonstrate on demand.

13. I'm rather clumsy and have off and on balance issues, and have a tendency to trip.

EXTRA or possibly WEAK TASK: light balance work, counterbalance/brace. This is an extra, or maybe a weak task, because my balance difficulties aren't really disabling, and if it's not disabling the task is mot mitigating a disability. It would, however, be something I would likely use a lot, and as such I would like for it to be trained.

14. I have always had issues with sleep. I have a tendency to stay up too late without realizing it, but I also have trouble falling asleep once I'm in bed. The severity varies. Melatonin has helped some.

WEAK TASK: signal to go to bed at a specific time, or alternately signal to an alarm set to tell me when to go to bed. This is a weak task at best because it is certainly difficult to prove and demonstrate in court, plus technically I should be able to do this on my own with alarms. The times I have tried it so far have been unsuccessful, but I probably have to give it time so I can get into the routine. Again, after the dog signals this would have to be my own choice to go to bed or stay up.

ESA: lay lengthwise along my body to comfort me and help me fall asleep faster (head at my feet, tail at my head). Gavroche already does this. It is not trained - it is easy enough to position a dog the way I want it to lay, plus comfort is something dogs naturally do, and as such this is not a task at all, but an ESA behavior. It would be nice, however, to be able to tell a dog to lay in that particular position without me moving body parts. This is something I may start working on with Gavroche.

So that covers the majority of what I want an SD to be trained to do for me. There are plenty other "extras" but I have included only the ones that I feel are most important and that I would use the most. Anything else I want I could add on myself after I get the dog.

I hope this has helped show the difference between what a legitimate service dog can do for something like an autism spectrum disorder, and what "hugger" dogs (pets or ESAs that belong to the disabled but are not trained as SDs - with "tasks" such as hugging, licking away tears, medication alerts for someone who is perfectly capable of taking meds on their own), tether dogs (*shudder*) and fakers (people who are not disabled but insist on dragging their pet everywhere) do.

I told you it was going to be a long post. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Reflection: One Year Post-Diagnosis

2009-09-14T19:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, I was diagnosed with Asperger's. In that year, so much as changed - for the most part, its changed for the better. This is a reflection of the past year, and what a diagnosis has done for me.

On a hot Sunday morning a year ago today, I entered my psychologist's office yet again, to find otu the results of my tests/evaluations over the last several weeks. She took me into a room, and told me that it was her professional opinion that yes, I do have Asperger's. She showed me the results of my IQ test, and gave me a list of books and sent me on my way. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Until that day, I was fraught with anxiety - was I autistic? Was it all in my head? What if I found ou that I wasn't autistic, what kind of person comes to the conclusion they are when they really aren't? Exactly how screwed up was I if I wasn't autistic after making myself belive I was? It has been nearly 6 months since I discovered that I was on the spectrum. I'd laughed, I'd cried, I'd had many a heart-to-heart with an ex-enemy-turned-friend(and now turned enemy again...perhaps enemy isn't the right word, it seems a bit too strong). I had melted down countless times, as often as 2 or 3 times a day on really bad days. I had finally had enough of my mother thinking I was crazy because I thought I was autistic and moved out, got a dog - but what if my mother was right? Maybe I really was just crazy? I had taken refuge in music to get me through the summer, being jerked around, given hope and then told that I couldn't be diagnosed because I was an adult, and "that would be hard." But no, now, I knew for sure. I wasn't making it up. I felt like I had a place now, I didn't have to try to pretend to be normal anymore. I told my online friends the news, and I was congratulated for the most part, cautioned by some, but universally accepted. Except for the detail of my mom still thinking I was crazy.

I has had a giant academic setback in the spring, failing my first class ever, and wondering if I really was cut out to be a veterinarian, or if I could even get my BS let alone get into vet school. I decided to take a psychology class in the fall, just to see, and to hopefully learn more about myself as a spectrumite as well as to learn more about "normal" people. I settled on social psychology. That same semester I began to fail my comparative anatomy class, and dropped out midway due to illness keeping me home on the day of the test, and the instructor's unwillingness to accomodate. I never did officially drop the class, because i was worried about being considered part-time instead of full-time, but fortunately the instructor did have mercy and rather than failing me gave me a "no grade sent" which kept my GPA from plummeting even more. But still, in my mind it was another failed class, and one that I had looked forward to and should have done well in. During the course of the semester, I had become best friends with a new coworker, and she was looking into going into psychology (at the time she, too, was headed towards veterinary school). She was a different sort of person. She was very open, and very talkative, yet somehow I felt comfortable opening up to her after a few short months, as opposed to a couple years (as it had with my other coworkers, and still I wasn't as comfortable around them). Over my birthday dinner (yes, I had celebrated my 21st birthday with friends for the first time since elementary school) and Halloween the following night (and again, the first time I had done anything significant for Halloween in many, many years), she convinced me to go into psychology as well. Of course having taken the social p[sychology class definitely helped, and I still credit that teacher with getting me interested in psychology again. I had come to the realization by now that I had lost interest in biology. It had once been my passion, but those times were gone. I still appreciate biology and all natural sciences, and I am thankful for my strong scientific background, but it no longer held my interest like it had in the past. For five years biology was my special interest, but now it had gone, like interests are apt to do on occasion. I officially changed my major to psychology in the spring, and foun out that I had completed all the coursework required for a minor in biology. I shared most of my classes, with one exception, with my now found coworker/friend/classmate, and that one class I did not share I dropped (for a variety of reasons) halfway through the semester. It was good to have a real friend and classmate once again. At this point I was planning to go into clinical psychology, but I became less and less motivated to do so the more I realized what else I can do with psychology. The turning point was my psychology of learning class that spring semester.

Over the course of the past year or so, I have become involved in the service dog community. I had entertained the idea of training a service dog for myself, or get one from a school, and although I did go so far as to research what places would possibly consider trainng one for me, that was as far as it had gone. I did train my dog to do some things service dogs do, but even if I wanted to train him to be a service dog, he is not suitable for the job due to some underlying hip problems. I casually flirted with the idea of a service dog off and on. There were many times I felt as though I couldn't possibly qualify - i had a hard time considering myself disabled, and to this day I still sometimes question it. But on my bad days, and some days were really bad, I felt like a service dog couldn't come soon enough. I ddi the next best thing and my psychologist (a new psycholgist - the last one abandoned me without warning) wrote a letter prescribing an Emotional Support Dog (in the for of Gavroche, by boxer). I did not have the intentions of moving into no-pets housing at the time, but it was good to know that if I had to, I could take my dog. I do think that I would be at a much lower functioning level without my dog - I was terrible at lving on my own, I constantly had meltdowns, I had no reason to leave the house other than school and work and the occasional shopping trip or to escape from my parents in the midst of a meltdown. The day I got my dog signaled that start of a several-months-long stretch of not having any meltdowns. That is no longer the case, but I do not have them as frequently as I once did. but still, my dog is not a service dog, and there are many days that I wish I did have one. Recently, I went through several days were I felt as if I just existed, and could barely function. My keying speeds at work were low, I drove right by my apartment many times when I was on the way home, and I even drove past work on the way to work once. Times like that are when I really think that I do need a service dog. Then come the fact that my mom doesn't want me to leave the city to go to school elsewhere because she is concerned that I cannot take care of myself, and that I would becoem a shut-in. I do share the concern about being able to get everything done that I need to get done to live well. I don't doubt that I can take care of myself enough to survive, but I worry about thriving. There are a lot of things I can't do, even if I don't want to admit to it.

All this involvement with the service dog community led me to consider yet another change in careers - to become a serive dog trainer. The past few motnhs leading up to that decision, I came to realize something that some people have known my entire life - animals was where my true skills, not to mention passion, have always been. I can't imagine a life without animals. Dog training come quite naturally to me, and I am quite proud of what I have accomplished with my dog. He earned his Cane Good Citizen without any extraneous classes, and now we are pretty close to being ready to compete in rally. I am planning ontaking a RAlly class in January, mostly because I don't know how to go about entering competitions, but also to proof my dog around other dogs. I started helping my dad with his trainng classes, and vhe himself has said that I have the makings of an excellent trainer, which means a lot to me. The dcision to become a service dog trainer feels so right - it feels like a much better fit than any of my toher intentions ever has. I feel like I've finally found my place.

What does all this rambling have to do with my diagnosis? My diagnosis is what has given me the confidence to pursue things that I never would have done before. I had felt chained to becoming a veterinarian for so many years that I couldn't fathom changing my mine, even though the more I worked in the clinic the more I realized that it probably wasn't a good fir for me. It gave me the freedom to be who I really am with my coworkers, and to pursue something that I never tohught possible. I have changed so much in the last year. I feel as though I am more mature, yet less mature at the same time. There is so much I don't know and have yet to learn, but at the same time I feel like I am not as vulnerable or naiive as I once was. I never felt like I fit in anywhere until now.

So what do I plan to do from here? For starters, I am excited about my research project, studying the effects of children reading to therapy dogs. I am also trying to start a program to bring the opportunity to more kids. I have one year to get the program, Paws for Pages, going strong wnough to carry it through while I am away at school. I don't plan on living in Kansas again once I move away, but I do plan on helping this program to succeed. I plan on getting a service dog hopefully within the next year or two. I plan on oging to school at Bergin University to become a service dog trainer, then start my own program specifically to train dogs for adults on the spectrum (though I will not be so narrow-minded to not consider other disabilities, as I know from experience that it feels terrible to ask a program to think outside the box and getting a firm "NO" for an answer). I will not train service dogs for children. I may consider trainng skilled companion dogs for children, which are pets that do not have access, and these would come primarily from service dog washouts. If all goes well, I may at some point expand my program to Australia, especially if they are as short on legitimate service dog trainers as they are now. I even have one person who is partnered with a service dog that would be willing to help me start a program there. not to mention moving to Australia means as much Vegemite and Tim Tams as I could ever want, and not having to pay $1 per Tim Tam to get them ;) I would also like to breed my own dogs for the program, at this point (althoguh it is a longt ways away) either standard poodles or standard Australian Labradoodles (the 6+ generation legitimate breed that started in Australia, as opposed to the 1st generation mutts that backyard breeders charge way too much for in the US).

I would like to start occupational therapy. I have gone a year since diagnossi without any kind of therapy because I simply didn't know what to do. I specifically told my psycholigst before I was diagnosed that at the time I didn't want to pursue any therapies just yet, and she did honor my wishes. However, I feel like I need to do something. I have found a lot of ways to cope with specific issues, but I think occupational therapy would be good for me. I intend to see a doctor to get a referral within the next couple months (since I found out that my insurance does cover it, and I will still be under my parents' insurance for another two years, so I might as well make use if it). I drive with HD Vision sunglasses at night because they are light enough to not distort my night vision, but they do block the glare of oncoming headlights. They look ridiculous, but they work. I take melatonin to get to sleep at night. I use my Creative Zen to block barking when I have kennel duty, and to block the noise of hundreds of data entry keyers when I work my other job. I use a GPS to navigate.

And what about my skeptical mother? Well, she did finally come to accept my diagnosis, and last I heard she was even advocating for my nephew to get diagnosed! She has tried (unsuccessfully) to educate his mother, but she doesn't understand. However he will be seeing an audiologist after his ear infection gets cleared up, and as most of us probably know that's where a lot of kids start the diagnostic process.

A Welcomed Monologue

2009-08-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

I expected some resistance to my dog being in no-pets housing, and the landlord even said that there was at least one person that she was sure would give me a hard time about it. Fortunately, I have yet to run into that one person, apparently. I've heard nothing but good things from my neighbors.

Tonight, one of my neighbors was outside when I went to go train my dog. He stopped me on my way over to the open are behind the apartments and asked what kind of dog I have, and when he heard it was a boxer he said he hasn't seen many white ones, and he's beautiful, etc (the standard conversation the ensues after someone asks what kind of dog I have). Then we went off to train, and I was working on some of the basics to begin with (sit, stay, heel, come, down) and the man came closer to watch us. After a few minutes he told me how amazing it was that my dog could do all that, and then asked if he was trained for hand signals (since I had been using both verbal and hand signals, as I usually do). When I told him yes, he was floored. We talked a while about how hand signals work, and how they are trained, and went on to how my dog had been trained. He asked for a short demonstration, and I obliged (because by now I was in full-blown special interest monologue mode), and he was amazed yet again - even though our demonstration was all of maybe 2 minutes at the most, and was still just the basics. Then we got to talking, and apparently he was under the impression that he had been trained by someone else, and I had bought him, because we got on to talking about how long I've had him and who trained him. So after I told him that I had trained him myself over the past year, he was again awestruck. Now, since he is an ESA and I live in no-pets housing and I had anticipated a lot of resisitance from my landlord's comments, I do have a vest that he wears when we go outside that states he is an ESA. Well, he asked why he has a vest on, so I explained about ESAs and service dogs and how ESAs are the same as service dogs as far as housing is concerned, which he took to mean that my dog is a service dog, and he asked for what, if he was a guide dog for someone or something. I again explained that he is not exactly a service dog, and that he is for me, because I am autistic. He asked what he does for me, specifically, and since we were on to special interests #2 and #3 at this point (#1 being dogs/training, #2 being sevice dogs, and #3 being autism), I again went ahead and explain how he currently helps me, and what a full service dog could do for an autistic person. He didn't flinch at the mention of autism, which I took to mean he either has no idea what it is, or he has actual experience with it, since there were no questions of how I am autistic, how I can live alone, or why I am standing here talking up a storm if I am autistic, because autistics can't talk.

I went back to training for a few minutes, and he again started asking me questions, this time about collars and my target stick. He come up and sat on the concrete around a light pole, I swear he looked like a kid fascinated by something lol. I was happy because I got to continue my monologue, after I thought it had already ended. We talked about what kind of collars are godo for what, we got into what AKC requies for registration and what a limited registration is for, and why it is limited, what I want to do with my dog in the future, whatI want to do in the future (there we went more on special interests #1 and #2 again, my plans to become a service dog trainer). He saw the patch on my dog's vest that says "I am not a puzzle, I am a person," read it out loud, and said "Ain't that the truth." I loved him for that comment xD

I got to go on for about 45 minutes to an hour, covering not one but three special interests. It's been a long time since a monologue was not only welcomed, but solicited, and then prompted to continue. I felt like this man actually gets what I am talking about. Maybe, just maybe, I turned one more person on to the idea of neurodiversity.

Now, I must direct you to another blog that I read regularly, Life with Asperger's, and a recent post on it, "Article: Preventing the Aspie Ramble". I have to agree with the point he makes here: Why do we have to stop and give up those moments of enjoyment and uncharacteristic outgoing conversation, just because others think it's abnormal? And what if someone does come up and asks for it? I think the "Aspie Ramble" is important. People tell us to socialize more, then reprimand us for talking too much...that's just not right. I say to hell with it, if you're going to sit and listen as I go on about a special interest or 3 for an hour, I will go for an hour. Obviously, some peopel do value our monologues, and maybe even learn a thing or two from them.

The Way I Use a GPS

2009-08-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

I get lost. A lot. Anyone who's been around me much at all knows that. I always have to leave extra time to get lost when I go somewhere. Well, earlier in the year I finally got a GPS, and I use it all the time. However, there are some ways I use it that aren't "conventioanal" ways, but still help me.

First, of course, I use it to find places I haven't been to before. I type in the address and someone I magically end up in the right place, and on time at that! :D I also use it to find places that I have been to before, but am unfamiliar with. Those two things, I'm assuming, is what most people use a GPS for.

The other thing I use it for is to help me focus on where I should be going. My new apartment is a mile and a half away from work, a straight shot up a main road. Do I still get lost between point A and B? Of course. I know where my apartment is. I know where work is. I know how to get from work to home and home to work. What I can't seem to manage is to pay attention for the whole 5 minutes it takes to get from one place to the other. So I set my GPS every time, so that it will yell at me when I get to where I'm going. I've long held a belief that a lack of paying attention is part of my navigational problem, but it's not the only problem. I really can't orient myself when I go somewhere. I can manage habitual route pretty well after I've traveled them for several weeks (sometimes several months vefore I get it down...and I do forget if I don't travel it for a while). But the problem with habitual route is that the habitual routes intersect. I'll be going one place, two routes will cross, and I'll unknowingly start following a different route. Then after several blocks, or several exits, I will realize I took a wrong turn and am headed for somewher else. I can't determine when that point is that I changed routes. My mom will remind me that I'm headed for the wrong destination if she realizes it, but she's usually busy gabbing away about something, or she'll think I'm doing it intentionally and won't tell me we're going the wrong way. So, my GPS keeps me focused, provided that the GPS is turned up louder than the radio. I occasionally change the language (I alternate between French and English) if I realize I'm becoming used to the voice and start to tune it out. When I am not taking a habitual route, I actually do pay attention, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I need to concentrate on what the GPS lady is telling me to do xD

There are times when I don't set the GPS, and sometimes it even ends well. But my GPS comes on automatically when I start the car, so it's avaliable when I need it. There have been many, many times where I figured I didn't need the GPS, and then after a while realized I'd screwed up again, and I reall did need it. Most notably, shortly after I got my GPS, I forgot to take it with me (back when I still took it out of my car every time I got out of it), and figured it was okay because I didn't need it anyway. I ended up giving a friend a ride home that day, and then when she asked me if I was okay finding the way home I said "I'll be fine, I can back track!" Famous last words >_> Nearly an hour (it shuold have taken 20 minutes tops) and several extra miles later, I stumbled upon my apartment. Turns out I really did need the GPS after all.

More school options

2009-07-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I would have made different decisions 4 years ago. Why didn't I look at things other than going to vet school? Why didn't I listen to my dad when he mentioned Moorpark College or Bergin University? *sigh*

I think I may have possibly found the perfect school for me - at least for now. I'm contemplating taking a "break" for about 2 years, in which I will get a master's degree. I keep focusing on getting a PhD, but why? Plenty of people don't have doctorates. I don't necessarily need the prestige of being a doctor in whatever I do. It'd be nice, yes, but maybe before I set off on a doctorate degree program, I need to think and get my priorities straight...and decide what I actually want to do.

Anyway, here is the school I'm looking at: http://www.berginu.org

I may have said this (one or twice lol) but I would LOVE to train service dogs. The more I train my dog, the more dog training appeals to me. This school is in California, in a town where my dad used to live and where I have just discovered I have an aunt (for whom I am named after, even), and that my mom is actually more willing for me to go to California than Illinois or Indiana. The other thing is that I don't actaully -have- to move to California to go to school. This master's program meets twice a year for 1-3 weeks at a time, and all the rest is reading, applied skills, and electronic communications. Which is awesome.

The best part is, I am required to have a dog for school :D

Gradschool, Careers, and other future stuffs

2009-07-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

Initially, I switched to psychology with the intention of being a clinical psychologist. I've slowly drifted away from that idea. There is so much more to psychology than clinical psychology. I've been drifting towards animal assisted therapy, or even just animal behavior. I know Indiana University at Bloomington has a doctorate program for animal behavior. Truth be told, animals mean the world to me. I worry about what kind of jobs are available though. Training service dogs would be awesome, but I don't know where to start if I were to go to school for that; my did is teaching me to train dogs. I knew quite a bit already, but he's refining my skills. Still, there's the question of where I might get a job. Then there's all the other options - human factors, neuropsycholgoy, developmental psych...in short, I have no idea what to do in grad school. I have my eye on Indiana University though. I really really really want to go there. Or Illinois University in Chicago. I just want to go to that region of the country. I do wonder if I would make it in Chicago, which is why I'd rather go to Bloomington.

The other thing I've been thinking about is what if I don't get accepted to an out of state school? What if I don't get accepted to any school? I really, really don't want to stay in-state, so I'm tempted to not even apply. But then I think about what if I dont' get in anywhere else. Do I want to stay and continue here, or do I want to move, take a year to regroup, then apply again?

What sort of job will I be in after I graduate? What do I need to do to work in the area of animal assisted therapy?

Just when I had it all figured out, I had to go and think and get all confused again *sighs*

A Real, Factual, Autism-Supportive Article from a Major News Source!

2009-07-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

Quite honestly, I never expected this - or at least not this soon. But holy crap, look! ABC has published an articled entitled "10 Myths About Autism." The name sounded promising enough, but I had my doubts when I clicked. As I read, I realized that this really is an article that dispels autism myths - and does a very, very good job of doing so.

See for yourself: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ColdandFluNews/story?id=6089162&page=1

Ever autistic person, every parent, relative or friend of an autistic person, ever doctor, psychologist, teacher, and law enforcement officer should read this. I was pleasantly surprised by this article.

The myths it covers are as follows:
Autism is an emotional or mental health disorder
There is an autism epidemic
Autism can be cured
Autism is the result of cold or unemotional parents
Individuals with autism always have hidden or exceptional talents
Repetitive or ritualistic behaviors should be stopped
Individuals with autism are unable to build social relationships
Autistic individuals are a danger to society

The biggest flaw I see here is that there are only 8 myths in the article, and not 10, but oh well lol. If they can write an article like this, I can forgive them for not being able to count xD

Now go. Read. Be happy! :D

DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the video yet, because my internet's being stupid, so I can't say whether I support it or not yet.

Autism at its Finest

2009-07-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write about this for some time now, but haven't gotten around to it.

http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/brain-and-behavior/2009/04/02/how-1-autistic-young-man-runs-a-business.html

Autistics are known for perseveration - and this is perseverance at it's best. People say all the time that autistics are a financial drain. This man is not, by any means. Though is is nonverbal, and as such would be considered "low functioning" by many standards, he has successfully built up his own business. Of course assistive devices and a ton of support made it all possible, but I would think the investment is worth it in this case. not only that, but now he pays for all his suports on his own - which includes caregivers, which is a very viable option for many people on the spectrum.

Autism is not the real problem. The problem is a lack of support, both from family units and from the public, especially for autistic adults. Money shouldn't be poured into researching the cause of autism or the cure for autism. Instead it needs to be directed to support autistics of all ages so that they can be successful, like Joe Steffy.

The wonder that is a regular schedule

2009-07-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

It's everywhere: autistics do better with a regular, structured schedule. It's on the anti-autism websites, the pro-autism websites, and everything in between. This is one thing that I can most definitely say is right (well, for me anyway).

Ever since I graduated high school and moved out of my parents house, it's been a struggle keeping things going. Trying to keep a household runing is harder than it seemed - and I'm only one person! My freshman year in college, everything was going relatively okay (meaning I was staying on top of my school stuff, and somehow managed to survive otherwise thinks to the cafeteria), and then Christmas time came. I had to pack up what I needed (or thought I needed) for a month and move out, only to move back in in January. That month, I was back to relying in my parents for regular household thing - washing the dishes, laundry, etc., if not one of them doing it directly, then prompting me to do it. Then when I moved back into the dorm, I was on my own again. My room was a disaster, I was always doing laundry at the last minute. Dishes piled up - I stopped using the cafeteria as much as I had, and started eating lunch in my room. Eventually I got back on schedule, more or less, when classes started up again. Then it went downhill again for the summer. I was still working, but my schedule at work never has been regular (no set days off, no set hours - it changes every week), so it wasn't as regular as school had been. Granted, I was happy to be out of school for the summer, but it wasn't easy to keep on top of things. My room at my parents house was a total mess, and I needed prompting for just abotu everything. Then I moved back on campus in the fall - this time in the apartments on campus - and my schedule was regular again, which meant I could keep up with daily life activities again without prompting. I didn't have to move out for Christmas this time, which helped quite a bit in transitioning back into classes i nthe spring. Everything probably would have gone smoothly, except that in April I started to discover that I had Asperger's, and it took p most of my time, energy, and thoughts. My anxiety levels skyrocketed. It was not a good summer - I wasn't even ready to move when my deadline to move out came around. My parents and I were in my apartment packing up all day until about an hour before my check-out time. I was so happy to be out of there that summer - I had failed my organic chem class, and just muddled through the rest of the semester. However, bakc home, I never did unpack my stuff - I only got out what I really needed to get by, which was my futon, clothes, and my computer. Boxes, full and half-unpacked, covered my enture room. I was climbing over boxes to get to my computer and to my futon (which I slept in all summer, as my regular bed wouldn't fit in that room). I was having meltdowns on a daily basis. My work was irregular - some weeks I'd work in excess of 40 hours with no days off, other weeks I'd work less than 20 hours. I tended to fare better the weeks I worked full-time or colse to full-time. At this point it was pretty much determined that I'd be living with my parents for the upcoming semester, which would not have helped me any in school. By some twist of fate, I ended up with my own apartment and my own dog, which have both done me a world of good.

During my Christmas break this year, I fell behind with everything again, but when the spring semester started, I was ready to go - the Christmas break seemed to long, and I wanted to get started on my new major. The spring semester went well - better than nay semester has been since I started college. Then when the semester ended, I slacked again. However, this summer, I'm taking a summer school class that meets every weekday morning. I wasn't looking forward to summer school, but if I want to graduate in the spring I have to have it. Surprisingly (or so I thought) this has been one of the best summers, functioning-wise, since I've been in college. I have a set schedule for school ,and my work schedule varies very little. Plus I started this other job now, and though I don't get as much sleep as I'd like, the strict schedule keeps me more organized and better able to handle other daily tasks. I didn't know why, until recently I remembered that the schedule is what's making the big difference. It has to be, because between looking for a grad school, moving in a month/finding an apartment, being hassled by security all the time, and getting sued, one would think it has the makings of a terrible summer, and yet I'm higher-functioning now that I have been in the past (and it's a good thing, given all the shit I'm having to deal with). That's not to say I don't have meltdowns, because I do, they're just much less frequent (about once every 2 to 4 weeks or so, though I did have several months where I was meltdown-free).

One more thing to take into consideration is the need to have alone time. At school and at the vet clinic, alone time is virtually non-existant. However at this other job, I'm in a cubicle with a computer and nobody bothers me (except for the trainers and the mentors for the next 4 days, then as my trainer put it tonight I'll be all by my lonesome). I can have my mp3 player and listen to music as I key data. Although thisi isn't "ideal" alone time, it helps that I don't really have to deal with other people. It uses different resources than school or my other job, which is why I think I cna handle the increased work load. If I had to work in a customer service position as another job, I don't think it would last long. But if there's a job that ought to be good for the "typical" Aspie, this is it. It may get boring, but I'll be alone with my musicals for 5 hours a day.

The other thing about having a regular busy schedule, as opposed to just a regular schedule, is that I have less time for perseveration. This is a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because it means I'm being more productive as far as school and work goes, and that I have less time to research a topic over and over again, and if it's not a particularly positive topic it keeps me from dwelling on it. However, I feel that perseveration is an essential part of functioning in the autistic person. If I don't have the free time to perseverate on my subject of choice at my leisure, first off the time will come out of somewhere else - such as sleep...as I'm doing at this very moment >_> Second, if I'm not perseverative on my topic of choice, I'm still perseverative, or try to perseverate, on something. Take training for this new job for an example. Training consists of 39 tests, and all tests must be passes in 58 1/2 hours. The first few tests were fairly simple, concept-wise, but I didn't have the speed and accuracy yet to do them quickly and efficiently. The trainers suggest trying each test 3 times, then going on to the next one if you've still not passed - and come back to it later. This goes against my whole nature. I wanted to sit there and work until I passed each test, in order. I didn't skip a test until the trainer demanded that I do. Now she was right, when I came back to the missed one later, they were much easier, but at the time I wasn't thinking about that - I just wanted to get the test passed no matter how long it took. The other thing the trainer would do is come and interrupt me in the middle of a test to tell me that I could skip it and come back later, or that if I knew I failed the test when I was halfway through I could quit and try again. I'd be going at it at a good pace, god accuracy, and then I'd get interrupted - and my speed and accuracy would plummet. Also, keying in data doesn't really take a lot of mental capacity, so it leaves my mind free to wander - and it wanders to whatever I'm interested in or worried about at the time. Things I perseverate on are always in my thoughts when my interest peaks on them - both short term and long-term things. My current special interest is service dogs, so naturally I've been thinking about them (for example, if someone working there had a service dog, how would they handle it? How'd they get in and out the revolving doors? Where would the dog lay? What tasks would be helpful to an individual with a given disability in this setting?), but I've also had issues crop up in the past two weeks that aren't positive at all, and they've been in my thoughts too - likely lowering my efficiency.

All in all, I think that although a schedule is great for autistics, it needs to be balanced - there needs to be enough alone time, enough time for special interests, enough time for rest, and still be full enough to provide structure - and this applies to adults as well as children. Currently my schedule is probably a little fuller than it ought to be, but that may change with my new schedule (I passed my training finally yay!) and then again once school starts and my other work schedule changes to accommodate classes.

True Neurodiversity

2009-06-27T23:06:00.000-07:00

So often I hear of Aspies and neurodiversity, or the autistic rights movement and neurodiversity. That's great - neurodiversity got its start with autism, but to me it means so much more than that. Too many Aspies are prone to bashing NTs (many non-autistic people I know resent the "NT" label as it implies inferiority in so many cases, but I will use the term here for simplicity's sake. Please be advised that I do not mean it in a derogatory manner at all.). The true meaning of neurodiversity, to me anyway (and I think this ought to be the case all the time), is to embrace EVERY neurotype, whether it's neurotypical, autistic, schizophrenic, ADD/ADHD, bipolar, synesthetic, or what have you. This includes people who have prosopagnosia or other visual agnosias, and some have gone as far as to say it's includes Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and dementia too. Autism does manifest itself differently in everyone, but that does not make it enough to be considered "neurodiverse" all by itself. Now, here I must make it clear that to me neurodiversity does NOT mean that you oppose cures/treatments for those neurotypes, but that you realize that everyone has a right to be themselves, and to accept or refuse treatment on their own terms.

Aspie supremacy runs rampant on the internet, and naturally it spills into life offline, too. You'll hear aspies, and sometimes others on the spectrum, going on about how autism gives them special abilities and makes them better than others. That's blatant supremacy, but there are other cases that are easy to miss if you don't look at it carefully. Many autistics seem to think they are not prejudiced and then turn around and stereotype someone who's of a different neurotype, or complain about characteristics of someone of another neurotype. Sometimes they can even go so far as to blame the disorder and wish that someone of another neurotype could be "normal" when they themselves would vehemently object to making themselves "normal."

Let's take an example now. Earlier I was in chat with a couple other Aspies, and what I will assume were some NTs, though I can't really know that for a fact. One of the Aspies was going on about how her husband, who is bipolar, wouldn't take her places on some days because he forgot (I'm assuming this is during his depressed periods, though in all honesty I was having my own conversation with someone else and only saw these blurbs in passing...I also wanted to take this up with her directly, but I had to run off for an emergency at my parents' house). She mentioned that for a couple weeks he had been "normal" and life was great. Now, this person is always the first to mouth off about how they can't do something or can't understand something because they are autistic. To badmouth someone else's disability while expecting everyone to accommodate your own disability is hardly the spirit of neurodiversity. This is an example of "hidden" Aspie supremacy. No, we can't be changed, but I feel it is our responsibility to try our best to do something. Isn't this what perseverance is all about? Aspies are known for perseverance, though typically it's in stereotype for and talking about narrow interests, but why couldn't it be perseverance to try the hardest we can to try to understand other people's opinions? Sure, we may never be able to fully understand another person's way of thinking, but there's a difference between not being able to despite trying, and not even bothering to try. As far as I'm concerned, not trying is just being lazy. I have a horrible sense of direction. I know I get lost easily. That doesn't mean I'm going to stick to only places I've been enough to learn the route. I try to find my way around, and if all else fails I'll fall back on my GPS to find my way, but I'm not going to snap at other people that I can't go to a certain place because I can't find it. Recently I was in the hospital visiting my dad, and I wanted to go to the cafeteria to grab some lunch. My mom was reluctant to allow me to go by myself, as she knows I have a hard time finding my way around. I was not about to sit in the hospital room all day until my mom finally decided to accompany me to the cafeteria. I went myself. Sure, I got lost a couple times, but through trial and error I found my own way there and back. Without trying you never know what you're capable of.

We on the spectrum don't like being stereotyped; for example, we resent the stereotype that autistics can't talk, autistics can't be independant, Aspies are rude by nature, autistics can't care about or love other people. They're not true for everyone on the spectrum, but they are true for some people. And yet, many of us are quick to say that NTs don't understand autistics, NTs love small talk, NTs are made to socialize. However, those aren't true for all NTs either. Some NTs don't like to socialize either. They're just as individual as any of us that are on the spectrum. This woman I mentioned earlier, she goes out of her way to make sure that people understand that racial stereotypes and slurs are not tolerated, and will explain why they are wrong. She even objects to the stereotype of "dumb blond." Yet she is the first to stereotype an NT, and she even stereotypes herself by automatically saying she can't help but be rude because she's autistic. This is very wrong. Those stereotypes are no different than racial or blond stereotypes, yet somehow this woman believes that stereotyping NTs is okay. How can we expect NTs to understand and accept us, if we're not willing to understand and accept NTs?

Sorry if this post is rambling some - I'm going on a few days fo sleep deprivation here, but I wanted to write this before I forget that I wanted to write about it. Now get out there and EMBRACE TRUE NEURODIVERSITY!

Toledo Surprise

2009-06-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

What happens when your next mini-obsession is a musical that just happens to include a fictional pastry?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQP1HuSOYO4

You try to make that pastry! XD

My mom and I had a little contest going to see who can come up with the best recipe, while staying as true to the song as possible (yes, that means we had a Drowsy Chaperone party...). I won ^.^ (my brothers and my dad were the judge - one of which was not at home when we made these, so he didn't know who made what).

My recipe:

TOLEDO SURPRISE!

Preheat oven to 325 F

CRUST:
puff pastry dough (I used frozen, you could also use homemade)
one egg yolk
1/4 cup milk
chopped hazelnuts

Beat egg and milk together for egg wash. Lightly grease muffin pans (or use silicone pans, but it'll take longer to bake). Place a thin layer of dough in the bottom of muffin pans. Brush lightly with milk and egg yolk wash. Top with a few chopped nuts. Place cupcake liner on top of the dough and fill halfway with dry beans to keep it from rising. Bake at 325 F for 20 minutes, the remove the cupcake liners and beans. Bake for another 5 minute until golden-brown. Let cool.

MERINGUE:
6 egg whites
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 c sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1 peach

Let egg whites stand until warmed to room temperature. Separate whites and beat until frothy. Add salt, cream of tartar and vanilla. Beat until whites begin to hold their shape. Very gradually beat in 1 1/2 c sugar and continue to beat until stiff but not dry. Pit the peach, peel the skin, mush it up, throw it in, and beat until mixed in well. Place in a greased 9 x 12 cake pan and bake at 325 F for 20 minutes or until just lightly brown on the edges/peaks (it should still be soft and spoon-able). Let cool.

WHIPPED TOPPING:
1 1/2 pints whipping cream
4 1/2 tablespoons powdered instant pudding mix (I used chocolate)
1 1/2 tablespoon powdered sugar
2 1/4 tsp vanilla

Whip all ingredients together until firm peaks form.

TOPPING:
2 bags chocolate chips
1 large bar milk chocolate
more chopped hazelnuts

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
When all components are finished, place dough rounds on bottom. Spoon meringue onto each round. Pipe whipped topping in top of meringue. Drizzle with melted chocolate chips and sprinkle with hazelnuts, then drizzle the melted milk chocolate on top. Let cool until chocolate is set.

Note: to fit with the song, you MUST lick at least one spoon at some point in making this! I suggest licking the whipped cream spoon :D

When it's all said and done, this ought to make about 60 pastries. However, that's not what happens when your dad comes to watch and eats all your "old meringue" which really wasn't old at all >_>

My mom's leaked peach juice all over one of my plates in the refrigerator overnight - hers was one big cake-like thing, and it collapsed overnight from the peaches and pudding. I'm not a fan of fruit in my pastries, so the peach is in my meringue only to stay true to the song - it really doesn't taste like peaches at all. And I also mashed my peach by hand, and squeezed out most of the juice to make sure the meringue didn't get too thin.

You could bake the crusts at a higher temperature to make it go faster, but I was baking crust and meringue at the same time, so I needed the lower temperature.

I will have to make this again and take a picture, as they were all devoured before I could take one xD

Good? Mmmmmmmm, yes indeedo! Sugary yumyum...

...SURPRISE!

Tether dogs

2009-05-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

First, a link (sadly there are many others like this, but I figure you don't need to be inundated by tons of links when one example will do):

http://www.westernweekender.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=708&Itemid=50

I have lots of problems with this.

First off, small children do not need service dogs. Service dogs provide independence. A 2 year old does not need to be independent. Generally, children younger than high-school age are not ready to care for a service dog on their own, and even then many high school students are not ready for it either. Before someone gets a service dog, they need to be able to attend to the needs of the dog and fully care for it on their own. They also need to be cognizant enough to be able to command, direct, and control a dog in public and in private. Small children have parents, carers, etc that should be taking care of them, and those people do not need the hassle of caring for a service dog too. Particularly in elementary school, where class sizes are already so large that teachers have enough on their hands with just the kids to worry about taking a service dog out to pee or making sure it's not being a disruption. Even in high school, the use of a service dog during school is questionable. Warranted in some cases, most definitely, but not always.

Then there is the definition of a service dog. Yes, this example above is in Australia, but if anything, service dog laws are more strict in Australia than they are in the US. In the US, a service dog is a dog that is trained to perform tasks that mitigate a disability. Also, the service dog is only allowed to have public access when being handled by the disabled person for which it was trained; the dog has no rights, it's the people that have the rights. So technically speaking, tether dogs are not even service dogs, as they are not being handled by the disabled handler - often people try to get around the "the kid's not old enough" bit by saying the parents are the handlers, but this means the dog isn't really a service dog.

Now, about the tethering. Generally, tether dogs are large, poorly trained dogs that are tied to small autistic children. Not a good combination. At all. If a child needs to be tethered, then tie the other end of that line to the parent, not a dog. Either way the parent will end up hloding a leash, whether it's the child's leash or the dog's leash. People have their kids on leashes all the time. It's nothing new. Why should autistic children be any different in that respect? Evey 2 year old bolts, some more than others. Every 2 year old has temper tantrums. Every 2 year old is a challenge. 2 year olds don't understand the world around them, autistic or not. Yet for some reason, the moment a child is diagnosed with autism, these parents rush out and get a dog to drag around with them. You would think this would make life even more difficult, as now instead of keeping track of a kid, they have to keep track of a kid AND a dog. Tether dogs are notorious for being poorly trained. There is one guide dog school that uses the dogs that fail as guide dogs - the timid one, the ones that don't make descisions as well as the other dogs - as autism/tether dogs. That's a very bad idea. If anything, these dogs need to be more confident than any other service dog, as THERE IS A FREKAING KID TIED TO THEM, and if they make a mistake, that kid could easily get hurt or even killed. I know from experience that a dog can drag a kid, no problem. When I was 8 I was "walking" my neighbor's dog (a large, very obese German Shepherd), and he saw something and took off running after it. It never occured to me to let go of the freaking leash, so I was just dragged behind him. For tunately I was not hurt, but that was because there were ADULTS watching me, and they stopped him before I was dragged very far. This is me, with the option of letting go of the leash. These kids that are tied to these dogs don't have that option.

Now, the places that train tether dogs typically charge several thousand dollars for them - some in the tens of thousands. A child this young could greatly benefit from therapy at that age, and it's a whole lot cheaper, not to mention more beneficial, than a somewhat-trained dog. There are lots opf legitimate therapies, and there are a lot of resources for autistic children (both in the US and Australia, and probably other countries too) to help cover treatments. Unfortunately there are also a lot of quack treatments that are also potentially fatal, but that's yet another rant for another time. Unfortunately the same is not true for adults on the spectrum, and most of us have to pay out-of-pocket for treatments (and as a result we don't get any treatment). I really would like to have occupational therapy, or some kind of therapy, but the fact is I can't afford it, as I would have to pay for it all by myself, and that's just not possible right now. I'm barely getting my financially as it is.

Don't get me wrong. Dogs definitely can benefit people on the spectrum, regardless of their age. But a young child does not need a service dog. A skilled companion dog would be a better idea. This is a dog that stays at home (no public access), and often in the case of autism, is trained to track the child if it runs off. There are skilled companion dogs for all sorts of disabilities, and generally they are a better idea than actual service dogs for children. Some adults even use them in lieu of a public access service dog. An Emotional Support Animal would also be a good idea, and I can attest to the fact that an ESA is very helpful in coping. Also, there are legitimate autism service dogs. They are trained for older teens and adults, and are task trained, and work for the disabled handler. These dogs often are trained in light guide work, have some hearing dog tasks, and are in general used to aid in sensory processing. Then there are Social Signal tasks that they can do (sometimes called SSig dogs, as coined by Jim Sinclair), such as alerting to familiar people, alerting to repetitive movements or "stims," and alerting to someone calling the handler's name, among other tasks. These are often secondary tasks, as they alone often do not count as tasks that mitigate a disability, but are helpful nonetheless. Indeed, a few people have suggested that I look into getting a service dog myself (however I'm not 100% decided - I'm keeping the possibility open, but right now I feel that I manage okay anyway despite being labeled as disabled, and by getting a service dog I'd be taking a dog away from someone who needs it more than I do). There are lpenty of people who have authentic autism service dogs. Unfortunately we don't hear abotu those people and their dogs very often, as they are typically adults, and as the media would like you to believe, once an autistic child grows up they drop off the face of the earth and no longer need support or services (why mention adults when kids are cute and can make you money? >_>).

I think I made the right choice

2009-05-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

So, as some of you may know, I finally decided to change my major from biology/pre-vet to psychology this past semester. I have to say I definitely had my doubts when I finally changed it. After all I'd wanted to be a vet for so many years, never considered anything else, really. However, as the semester wore on, I started to feel more and more like this is what I should be doing. Not only do I like the content of the classes, the people seem so much more...I can't find the right word for it, but it seems like it's just a better fit for me. I still had my doubts, though.

Now, at the end of the semester, I have a 4.0 (all As) for the first time since high school (I had thought I had a 4.0 my first semester of college, but looking back, I had one B that semester). That makes me certain that this is, indeed, where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing.

Now I've got one year left before I'm off to grad school, and I'll be applying this fall/winter. I'm leaning towards Indiana university as my first choice at the moment, but have made no firm decisions yet. However, I want to be a clinical psychologist, be involved with the autism spectrum in some way, and train therapy and service dogs, in particular psychiatric service dogs and legitimate autism service dogs (NOT tether dogs...I'll discuss that in my next post). I feel like I have my future together for once ^.^ Now the present, that's a whole other issue xP

Ambush Shutdowns

2009-04-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Or that what I'll call them, anyway.

Usually, when I shut down, I have an identifiable trigger - too much shopping in crowded areas, too many people trying to get my attention, too much light, too much noise, etc. For those that don't know, I call my sensory overload a shut down, because that's what I do - I shut down. It's not a meltdown, as those are usually emotional in nature for me. I differentiate between emotional meltdowns and sensory ones, though not everyone does. For the sake of clarity, I call emotional ones meltdowns, and sensory ones shutdowns.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I usually can identify a trigger. Last night, however, I had a shutdown that came out of nowhere, and I cannot identify a trigger. I have one possible trigger, but it really should have triggered a meltdown, if anything, so I don't know. That trigger would be seeing puppies being sold at a local pet shop that I used to shop at (but since they started selling puppy mill puppies, I will no longer shop there). Another reason I don't think this was the actually trigger is that things that trigger a meltdown usually do so immediately, because things have been building anyway. It wasn't until halfway through dinner that I started feeling a shutdown coming on.

What was bad about this time is that I -couldn't- isolate myself and recover. I had to go pick my little brother up from his music lesson. I had planned on taking Gavroche to Petsmart to practice for his upcoming CGC, but I didn't because I could barely function. I picked my brother up, with the A/C on low, the GPS volume waaaaay down (but I needed that GPS without a doubt last night), and without any music on so that noise was minimized. I could still hear road sounds and cars next to me, and two very annoying girls with piercing voices when I got there. Then I had to wait in the car for a good 20 minuted before my brother showed up, and since I couldn't handle the noise I had the windows rolled up, and the A/C off since the car was parked - luckily it wasn't all too hot out anymore by that time as the sun was starting to set. Then I drove back, after scolding my brother twice - once, his nose was squeaking, and I said "Must you breathe so loud?" and again when he started talking to me for whatever reason, and I said "Must you -talk-?" He was silent from then on.

When I got back to my parents' house I curled up in the corner on the floor under a blanket with my dog for an hour or so. I was for the most part recovered by then, but still feeling the effects to some degree. We then went to the river for about 5 minutes or so, then home.

Today, as usual the say after a shutdown, my auditory processing was screwed up (it's not always the auditory processing that's screwed up, but more often than not it is) so all morning I was having trouble understanding anything that was said to me. I confused the hell out of my friend at least once lol.

Today I spent most of the time in the car without music again - not necessarily because I was still in shutdown mode, but because I was afraid I'd have another unexpected shutdown, and really I can't afford it - I have to practice for the CGC with Gavroche as much as I can.

What color is your dog?

2009-04-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Mine's green.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to see a seminar from Joel Silverman and it was all about training a dog based on their personality. Now, this seems obvious, but unfortunately, many trainers don't take this into account. Not every dog does well with clicker training. Not every dog does well with food rewards. Not every dog does well with harsh corrections or with total dominance. He defines a dog's personality as one of five colors: red, orange, yellow, green, and blue. Red dogs are over-exuberant, high-stung, and hyper. Yellow dogs are mellow and as he says, pretty much perfect. Blue dogs are overly shy and fearful.

Some of the things Silverman talked about really hit home, and made so much sense. I purchased his book, What Color is Your Dog?, and I just finished it earlier tonight. I have already started using some of his suggestions, and have seen a difference in Gavroche already. I ditched the chain collar and switched back to the regular buckle collar. He already seemed slightly less fearful of men when we went down to the river tonight. I also reinstituted clicker training, this time with a target. He loves it, and already he has improved drastically in turning off the light (something I trained on a whim - actually, the first time he did it, he did it on his own, when I wasn't even looking - just for experience training). I'm very pleased.

Silverman will be in Kansas City this coming weekend - about a 3 hour drive. Now I have to decide if I want to go up there on Sunday and see him again!

For those interested, his website is companionsforlife.net and his book will be released at all fine booksellers in May 19th.

Emotional Support Animals

2009-04-14T22:36:00.001-07:00

As promised, I am now going to address Emotional Support Animals, here on out referred to as ESAs.

First, let's get one thing straight: ESA are NOT service dogs.

Did you get that? Let me say it again. ESAs. Are. Not. Service. Dogs. They do not have public access rights, they do not belong on buses, in stores, in school etc. They belong at home, and in other pet-friendly places. That is all.

All right. Let's move on, shall we?

What exactly is an ESA, if it's not a service dog? Well, ESAs are, in a nutshell, to keep the disabled and the elderly company. But they are more than that, too. ESAs often mitigate a disability, too. For example, for some reason, I don't melt down nearly as much as I used to, ever since I got Gavroche. I can't pinpoint the reason why, and he definitely wasn't trained to do it, so apparently just him being there is what helps me. Since it is not a trained task, he does not count as a service dog. ESA are also to provide emotional support, as the title implies. There are, in general, 3 main types of disabilities: physical disabilities, psychiatric disabilities, and learning disabilities. For the most part, any autism spectrum disorder does not fit neatly into any of those categories. Sure, there are some physical effects, such as less-than-ideal balance and coordination. There are surely some psychological effects. And in many cases there are some learning difficulties. For whatever reasons, though, autism spectrum disorders seem to be shoved into the psychiatric category. ESA are for psychiatric disabilities. Often times, those with physical disabilities will also have pets that help them cope, but they often have been trained at least one task that mitigates a disability, and so they are classified as in-home service dogs as opposed to ESAs. Those dogs don't have public access rights either, but they are still service dogs.

ESAs need not be trained any more than a good pet. They need to know how to behave properly in the home, but they do not need to have public access training because they are not allowed public access. But essentially, ESAs are just pets that happen to be owned by a disabled person. ESAs do not have to be dogs, either; any animal, pretty much, can be an ESA. Birds and cats are common. ESAs are allowed to live with their disabled owner in no-pets housing (under certain circumstances), and they are allowed to fly in the cabin of a plane with their disabled owner. However, if your dog isn't trained well enough to behave for the duration of the flight, this is probably not the greatest idea. Keep in mind, too, that ESAs are typically not allowed on other types of mass transit, either, so you need to have arrangements once you're done with the flight.

Disabled?

2009-04-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

Whether or not you're positive about having Asperger's or any other form of autism, having the label takes some getting used to. It can take some time for the full meaning to sink in, and even them, sometimes hearing your name and autism in the same sentence can sound kind of foreign - especially when it's coming out of someone else's mouth.

You know what else takes some getting used to? Seeing your name and the word "disabled" in the same sentence. It's very strange. Today I got two letters from my psychologist. One was just a letter saying I am indeed on the spectrum (I needed this to apply for a scholarship), and another stating that I am disabled and that I would benefit from an ESA (Emotional Support Animal - more on that an another post). The sentence that really got me? "Shannon meets the definition of disability under the Americans with Disabilities Act, the Fair Housing Act, and the Rehabilitation Act of 1973." I...what? Sure, the thought has crossed my mind that I may be considered disabled, and I have accepted it in theory. But damn, to see it in writing and in exact terminology is completely different.

So what does this mean? Well, most importantly, it means Gavroche is now officially an ESA. Which doesn't really change anything, other than that if I ever move into no-pets housing, he can still live with me (more on that, again, in a later post). It also means that should I go and try to get them, I could probably get accommodations in school. I haven't done so yet, though I have thought about it. But I'm doing okay in school now, since I changed my major. Other than government stuff, though, it really doesn't change a thing.

Sure, I'm disabled. But does that mean I have to act like it? Absolutely not. If there's something I can do myself, you can be damn sure I'm going to do it myself. Yes, there are some things that are harder for me than they are for others. But I'm not going to use that as an excuse for not trying. I don't have the best balance or coordination; I know that, and everyone who has spent any amount of time around me knows that. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try things that need balance and coordination. I ride horses. Just now I roller bladed while exercising the dog. Yes, I do both of these things differently than some people, but I still do them. I use a mounting block to mount when I ride, not only because I have poor balance, but because I have short legs and it's easier on the horse to use a mounting block anyway. I have yet to canter a horse, but only because my instructor doesn't think I'm ready, and doesn't think the horse is ready (if I had it my way, I would have cantered within the first month xD). But I still ride, and I ride an unruly horse. I decided to buy some Nordik walking poles to use while rollerblading. The result? I only fell once when I was out a bit ago. Damn speed bumps in the dark lol. I have a horrible sense of direction - I use a GPS for nearly every trip I take in the car. I could just as easily say "Oh, I can't drive because I can't find my way." No. That's not how I roll. Even before I got my GPS I still drove - I just made sure I had my cell phone on me to call someone if I got lost, and I avoided highways. I can't fathom not driving. To not drive is to deny myself my freedom, my independence, to go wherever I want whenever I want. And my independence is the one thing I value above all else. Nobody can tell be I can't so something because of my disability. You want to tell me I can't? Just watch me. I'll at least try. And surely, if I don't succeed at first, there is something I can do to make myself succeed.

Let me address pity again. I don't want it. It's degrading (this sound familiar yet?). If you've ever been on the receiving end of true pity, you know that. "Aw, poor you, you can't [fill in the blank] because you're [fill in the blank]." Bullshit. Now I'm not saying that there aren't some things that individuals can't physically or mentally do - but until you try, you won't know. And even then, there are things that can be compensated for. Having a disability doesn't mean having a partial life, or being less of a person. It means you do things a little differently, or that you have a little more trouble doing some things than most others do. It doesn't mean you're helpless, by any means. Some people are more disabled than others, and I understand that, but that doesn't mean you can't try your hardest at everything you do.

So all in all, the idea of being legally disabled will take a while to get used to. In time, it will become something not-so-strange to hear. But it will not change how hard I try, and I'll be damned if I start making excuses "because I have a disability."

...What Just Happened? o.0

2009-04-06T00:04:00.001-07:00

So I went on an autism walk yesterday to help raise money for a local Asperger's summer camp. Well, naturally, while there, I got a ton of handouts. One of them happened to be about HFA/Asperger's. I left my stack of papers I got at my parents' house last night. Apparently my mom got a hold of that handout, and read it, and then miraculously realized that I'm not insane, but that I really am autistic. Not only that, but she also agrees that my dad and nephew probably are too. I was stunned. I honestly never thought that would happen. I find it perfect that it happened now, given the time of year ^.^ Autism awareness month indeed! I couldn't be happier right now.

She said she didn't realize that autism could be anything more than the nonverbal kids she learned about when she was a kindergarten teacher in Germany decades ago (why she wouldn't listen to me say the same thing, I don't know O.O)...which, now that I think about it, she once told me of a little boy who was fascinated with water, and would often run away, only to be found in the bathroom playing in the sink. I remember thinking at the time she told me the story that the boy was probably on the spectrum (for various reasons) - I've got to remember to tell her that. My little brother was hinting at it all night, "high-functioning" this and that, trying to fit in the word "high" or "functioning" at every opportunity, so I had the feeling something was up. After dinner my mom finally confessed. According to my little brother, her exact words upon reading the paper was "Oh my god, she really is autistic!" She said that I fit the paper exactly and I had ever since I was a kid (and to think I had doubts way back when lol). My response was "It's about damn time! I've only been diagnosed for 6 1/2 months!" *grins* Judging by her reaction, I don't think she'll ignore anything I have to say for quite some time. To say she was sheepish would be a gross understatement ;)

Gavroche's Story

2009-04-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is the story of how Gavroche came to be my dog - and how he got his name.

I work in a vet clinic. In late July of last year (2008), one of our clients brought in a stray dog that she had found. This woman already owned 6 dogs and 2 cats, and simply could not take in another dog. Apparently the dog had been hanging around the area for quite some time. Anyway, first thing I see when I walk in is "Stray - ISO" on the patient whiteboard. The kennel was somewhat full, so I figured I'd walk the dogs first, then go check out the stray. Near the end of walking the dogs, I see a yellow, limping, smelly pile of bones hopping towards the wet tables. But I'll be damned if he wasn't cute as all get out. I immediately labeled him as an American Bulldog in my mind - whiteish dog, long tail, floppy ears, medium size. He did look a lot like Chance from the movie Homeward Bound, minus the dark patches. I finish walking the dogs, and then go take a peek when doc's done looking at him.

A bath, a fecal, and some food later, he's no longer yellow, but white. His fecal showed intestinal parasites, so I go in to give him his first dose of Panacur. I open the cage in the isolation room, and 50 pounds of wiggling dog comes flying at me. I wrap some antibiotics in a treat and give it to him, and give it to him...and he promptly spits it back out. He may be a starving stray, but he's sure picky! After I get the antibiotics down him (for some superficial wounds and a mild skin infection), I give him his Panacur...or attempt to, anyway. I open his mouth, aim the syringe, and squirt it right in his eye. He just stands there and wags, and I flush his eye with saline, then try again - this time I'm successful! As of right now, his name is Ralph. His finder's grandson named him. I also find that he's listed in our records as a boxer. Upon closer inspection, I find this not too hard to believe. The tail always throws me with white boxers.

At the time, I really, really wanted this dog, but there was no way I could have him. I had planned on moving into an apartment for the fall semester, in which case I could have a dog, but that didn't look like it was going to work out. Nearly a month went by, and Ralph was still at the clinic, without an owner. The woman that found him had been paying his boarding fees, and also had him fully vaccinated and neutered. By now his skin infection was cleared up, the worms were gone, and he had put on some weight, though he was still pretty skinny. He seemed to be a smart dog, walked on a leash well, was already housebroken (as the woman had taken him home for a few days at one point) and I taught him to sit in the first couple days he was there. One night I was doing late-night insulin shots (for a dog that just happened to belong to the same lady that brought Ralph in), and took my mom and little brother with me. I took the dog out of his cage, picked him up, and said "This is the dog I wish I could have." And then he peed on my mom. How I wanted that dog then!

I went on and on about how I wish I could have him, and if I had my own apartment I would have taken him home already. I'd mentioned in chat that I wanted that dog very badly. Then, the most unexpected thing happened. My dad told me that there was an open studio at the apartment complex where he worked security at night. Somehow, I managed to get it. I couldn't believe it. As soon as I found out it was mine, I told the lady that brought Ralph in that I would take him home, and that it was really great because I love boxers, and I always wanted one. She was happy that one of the girls at the clinic was taking him, so she could be assured he would have a good home. Then I ran to his cage, squished his face in my hands, and said, "I get to take you home!" to which he replied with a wag of his tail and a happy-boxer wiggle. That night I took him to Petsmart as his first trip. I also got him a stuffed toy at Walgreens and slept with it overnight so it would smell like me, then gave it to him the next morning. That was the day I learned he has an obsession with stuffed animals. I would later find the same was true for flashlights, balls, and ducks/geese.

A week and a half later, I moved in. I had planned on getting all moved in, then going to the clinic and taking the dog home. I couldn't wait. I was up unpacking boxes until the wee hours of the morning. I wasn't done, but I couldn't go on anymore, and so I drove to the clinic and picked him up. I was still trying to decide if I should keep his name as Ralph, or change it, and if I changed it, what to change it too. I had chosen a few names and was trying to narrow it down - it was between Feuilly, Enjolras, Marius, Grantaire, or Gavroche. I chose Gavroche. For those not familiar with Les Mis, Gavroche was a street urchin. I thought this name was appropriate, since Gavroche the dog was a stray - which is the same thing as a street urchin, right? Now when he starts to get into trouble, I sing at him, "Come on Gavroche, don't you dare!"

The first time Gavroche went to Petsmart, he was bouncing around the back seat of the car, then pulling at the leash and slipping on the floor. He was a mess. Six months later, I was really questioning his training progress, and I thought back to how he had been when I first had him. I got him one of those no-pull harnesses just because when he got distracted, the leash wasn't enough to correct him. For the record, that harness didn't work either. It's now his swimming harness (until I get a flotation vest for him), since it dries fast. Now, though, he walks on a loose leash, walks calmly and confidently on slick floors, and will leave something when I say "Leave it!" He can walk past dogs without any attempt to go to them, though he does still want to go play with some dogs, and I do allow him to do so sometimes. He knows sit, down, off, leave it, up, in, over, under, lights off, paws up, shake (left paw), five (right paw), heel, side, dig in (release to feed), stay, stand, find the car, go home, out...the list goes on. I'm very happy with him.

I still can't believe how perfectly things worked out so that I could get him. It was as if it were meant to be. To this day, nearly 8 months and 10 pounds later, I still look at him and am in awe of the fact that he is my dog. I love him so very much.

But is it a Mutation?

2009-04-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

This came up in a discussion earlier today. Some asked me, "Is autism a genetic mutation?"

To that, I have to answer a resounding YES! Of course it is. So is having blue eyes. So is having blonde hair. So is being tall. So is having a big nose. All variation is a genetic mutation. Why would neurodiversity be any different? It's quite obvious that autism has a genetic basis. Human variation is how we still exist today - without it, we'd be long extinct. Variation allows us to adapt to our environment, survive epidemics, and evolve.

Now, I have a feeling the question comes from the idea that mutation is bad, and turns you into some kind of freak or monster. That is simply not the case. Mutation happens at a fairly steady rate, and is some horrible thing that happens. It fact, you owe your life to mutations. It's true that some mutations can cause harm - such is the case with cancers and some other diseases and birth defects. But it is not inherently harmful. And it does not make you a monster.

For the record, genetic mutation is also what makes bacteria resistant to certain antibiotics, what makes your dachshunds look different from an Irish wolfhound, and why you can have a pet cat that cannot easily kill you (this is of course due to size, though I wouldn't put it past some cats to do so...).

Why No Cure?

2009-04-01T04:04:00.001-07:00

It seems that one of the biggest controversies with autism is cure vs no cure.

I personally oppose a cure. However, I am also of the opinion that if a cure is developed, it is the right of anyone who so desires to go ahead and get cured. But I maintain that is also an autistic's right to opt out of a cure.

Why do I oppose a cure of autism? There are many reasons, too many to fit into one blog post, but I'll give you the basics.

First off, I believe that autism is inseparable from the person. If you were to "cure" me, I would no longer be me. I'd be a completely different person. For this reason, I do not believe a cure is possible for a living person. That leaves only one option for a cure: prevention. Oh, prevention's not so bad, you say? Think again. People are born autistic. I feel there is more than enough evidence to support the idea that autism is genetic. That means I was an autistic zygote. I was an autistic embryo. I was an autistic fetus. I was an autistic baby. I was an autistic child. I was an autistic teenager. And now, finally, I am an autistic adult. The only prevention is through preventing the birth of autistic babies. Think about that. If a prenatal test for autism is developed, it will be possible to prevent any autistic people from being born. Then, when all of us who are currently autistic die off, there will be no more autistic people. Once all our relative who are carriers die off, autism will essentially be extinct. Probably sounds like a good idea to some of you, huh? Well, you're not taking everything into consideration. I believe that every autism spectrum disorder, from low-functioning to high-functioning to Asperger's to PDD-NOS, and everything in between, is the same, genetically speaking. This means that this theoretical prenatal test for autism will detect the autism genes, but will not tell you where on the spectrum that child will fall. Einstein is rumored to have been autistic - although he was from a time before autism was named and diagnosed. Rumor has it Bill Gates is an Aspie. Temple Grandin. Peter Tork. Tim Page. Matt Savage. They are all on the spectrum. Hans Christian Andersen. Lewis Carroll. Bela Bartok. Andy Warhol. George Orwell. Vincent van Gogh. Mozart. Beethoven. They have all been speculated to have been on the spectrum. All that talent. All that ingenuity. Where would we be without autism? Certainly, technology would not have progressed as far and as fast as it has today. If you eliminate autism from our gene pool, so much will be lost.

It's not about low-functioning or high-functioning. We are all on the spectrum. I think the separate diagnostic labels should be done away with, and just call it all "autism spectrum disorder." I have high functioning characteristics. I also have low functioning characteristics. The same is true for anyone on the spectrum. That's why it's a spectrum disorder - nobody is affected by it in the same way.

Anyway, there is my main reason for not wanting a cure. It's eugenics, really. That's all it is. Glorified eugenics.

Now, I'm off to go combat curebie propaganda, armed with 100 leaflets and 15 fliers. It's a small effort, but it's an effort nonetheless. If even one person "gets it" as a result of my effort, it will have been well worth it.

Autistic Rights Movement leaflet

2009-04-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

I found this leaflet, feel free to pass it on, print it out, whatever you want. Scroll down to the very bottom of the page, and click the link - it's a word document.

http://www.studentsforneurodiversity.org/

I'll be handing these out on campus tomorrow.

World Autism Day

2009-03-31T02:21:00.001-07:00

So, April 2nd is the second annual World Autism Day. April, as a whole, is Autism Awareness month. April also marks one year since I discovered I am autistic. On a side note, it also marks one year since I became hopelessly obsessed with Les Mis.

There's bound to be massive amounts of negative media about autism in the coming weeks (don't say I didn't warn you), about how we're trapped in our own little world, and need to be rescued and cured. How we're so pathetic and disabled that we can never function as well as "normal" people, and so we must be pitied. Bull.

Let me share with you my favorite quote of all times:

"See, skinny socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. Everyone inside the circle is 'normal'; anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that they should be institutionalized, or worse, pitied."

From the television drama House, MD

That's just it. Sure, not everyone thinks that way. But you wait and see, for the next 30 days that's all you'll hear about. Who's going to be the loudest, lobbying for a cure for us? That would be Autism Speaks. You remember that link in the last post? http://www.notautismspeaks.tk Go visit it again. Read it. Make sure you understand it.

The fact of the matter is, most of us don't want a cure. Yeah, some autistic people do want a cure. Most do not. Don't get me wrong - if there was a cure, and some autistic people decided to be cured, I would not stand in their way. It would be their right. It's also my right to be myself, and opt out of any theoretical cure. I'm of the opinion that autism cannot be separated from the person, and so the only cure is through eugenics.

About the pity. Please keep your pity to yourself. I don't want it. It's degrading.

Now I will leave you to browse NotAutismSpeaks. I shall go get myself a cake. It's an anniversary after all, right?

Lindt Boycott / Autism Speaks

2009-03-30T03:03:00.000-07:00

One very important thing before I sign off for the night. I encourage you to follow the links provided within the message, particularly notautismspeaks.tk

I am not the author of this message, but I am posting it here to spread the word. Feel free to pass it on. Credits go to EvilZakkie and Spectrumites.

I'm writing to inform you all of a boycott of the Lindt chocolate company. As you can see, I've also cc'd the Lindt customer service email (lindt@qualitycustomercare.com) and I'd advise you all to do the same when forwarding this information, in order to send a message to Lindt.

As some of you may be aware, Lindt is partnering with Autism Speaks this year, an organisation dedicated to eliminating autism - which, unsurprisingly, is a goal that the autistic community is very much against. For those of you that don't know much about them, here's a few pointers:

* Autism Speaks relies on pity propaganda and negative stereotyping to achieve their goals. In one famous example, the vice-president of Autism Speaks talks about wanting to drive herself and her daughter off a bridge, and only refraining from doing so because of her 'normal' daughter at home. The negative stereotyping produced by this devaluation of autistic lives creates barriers to employment and services (as these negative stereotypes will lead companies to underestimate the capabilities of autistic people), and can lead to many other forms of bullying and discrimination.

* The money raised by Autism Speaks goes towards eliminating autism, rather than helping autistic people. Autism is a deeply ingrained part of autistic people, and the two cannot be meaningfully separated without altering the person - as such, the elimination of autism is not a goal supported by the majority of the autistic community. In addition, their research into pre-natal testing for autism is considered by many autistic people to be a form of eugenics.

For more information, take a look at http://notautismspeaks.tk/.

I'd therefore like to recommend a boycott of all Lindt products for the duration of this campaign - from now until the 15th of April.

As stated at the top of this email, if you're forwarding this on, please also cc the Lindt customer service email (lindt@qualitycustomercare.com). The more emails they receive, the less likely they are to support this unethical organisation again next year.

For more information on autistic advocacy, please visit the Spectrumites group (http://www.spectrumites.com), the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (http://www.autisticadvocacy.org/), autistics.org (http://www.autistics.org/), Autism Network International (http://www.autreat.com/index.html), or The Autism Acceptance Project (http://www.taaproject.com/).

Welcome to The Aspie Life!

2009-03-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

At long last, The Aspie Life is live! I've planned on starting this blog for several months now, but due to autistic inertia, I've put it off (more on the topic of inertia in a later post!). But finally, here we are.

So, what is The Aspie Life about? Well, it's about being a person with Asperger's (from now on, this will be referred to as an Aspie). Asperger's syndrome is a disorder on the autism spectrum, similar to high functioning autism. But this isn't about the clinical aspects of the disease; you can find all you ever wanted to know about that elsewhere on the internet (trust me, I've looked). This is about real life experience from a person on the spectrum - from an Aspie. I'm not just going to talk about how Asperger's affects this aspect of my life, or how that aspect of my life is harder for being an Aspie. I'm simply going to talk about my life and if being an Aspie seems to affect it in some way, I'll talk about it in more depth.

For starters, a little bit about me. I am 21 years old, and a student at Wichita State University. I was diagnosed with Asperger's disorder on September 12, 2008, 5 and a half months after self-discovery. I am still the same person I've always been, I just have more insight into why I act the way I do, now. I had been majoring in biology with the intent to become a veterinarian up until this semester. I do currently work at a vet clinic as a veterinary assistant, and I love my job, but I can't see myself as a veterinarian anymore. I changed my major to psychology because I have an extremely strong desire to work with other people on the autism spectrum. I find autism, and psychology in general, to be quite fascinating. At this point, I would call it my newest special interest - otherwise known as what I obsess about when I should be doming something else. My other special interest is animals, in particular, horses and dogs. I have been taking horseback riding lessons for a year and a half now, and I absolutely love it. I only wish I had started it earlier. I have had pets of various kinds all my life. I recall only a short period of time in which I did not have an animal living with me, and it was terrible. You don't realize how much a fish can actually keep you company until you've gone without animals for a couple months. Then getting a fish is indeed very exciting. When I was younger, I had at any given time, a snake, lizards, fish, a firebelly toad, tadpoles, a gerbil, parakeets, a turtle, and any number of dogs and cats. I now have two zebra finches (Marius and Eponine) and a boxer mix (Gavroche). If you happen to recognize those names, you've come across another of my special interests - yup, Les Miserables. I adore this musical, and have perseverated on it for nearly a year now. I remember I discovered I was autistic at the end of March or the beginning of April, and then shortly afterwards I became fixated on Les Mis. I longed to see it live, I longed for it so badly. Then, in a stroke of luck, it just so happened that Music Theatre of Wichita was putting on a production of it in August 2008! Of course I went and saw it. Twice. In the same week. It was fantastic. I would have seen it more times if I could have, but alas, I had to work. For future reference, cheap tickets for musicals can be purchased just before the start of the show. I got tickets in the balcony for around $10, and it was an even better view than the pricier tickets I bought ahead of time in middle orchestra.

Well, that's enough about me. You want to meet my dog? This is Gavroche:

And here he is with his tongue in his mouth:

No, no, no. This is him with his tongue in his mouth. See, it really does fit:

Isn't he gorgeous? I had him DNA tested out of overwhelming curiosity, and apparently he's boxer and Scottish terrier. Uhm. Yeah. He definitely acts and wiggles like a boxer. I have a hard time seeing the Scottie in him, but looks can be deceiving. I tell him, though, that his great-grandaddy was a Scottie. It gives him heritage. I personally still think there's some sort of bird dog in him - he has a wonderful point, which I can't seem to capture on film. And he loves the water. Ah well. He's my boy, and I love him! I have had him since August 2008. I'll tell the story of how he came to be my dog in a future post. It really was a strange twist of fate that we ended up together. I feel very lucky to have him.

I think I've rambled on enough for my opening post. Stay tuned for more The Aspie Life (yeah, cheesy, I know, but I've got to wrap this up now. The bed is calling me.)